Thursday, August 21, 2008

Remake of Friday the 13th

Some truly sad things are happening in the horror genre right now. Apparently, since everyone has run out of ideas and need to make movies about babies answering deadly cell phones and plants killing everyone because of some crazy global warming conspiracy, they've now stooped to re-making the true classics.
Obviously it wasn't enough to poach every Japanese horror movie, do remakes of all the 80s stuff, and make sequels to everything on God's green earth, now they're really getting horror fans where it hurts.
How can you remake the quintessencial summer camp classic?! I don't want to see Gossip Girl/The Hills-types running around in the woods while Fall Out Boy plays in the background. I don't want to see teenagers distracted by their IPods as Jason approaches. I don't want cell phones or product placements involved in any way.
I want strip monopoly and Kevin Bacon in short-shorts and everyone cut off from the outside world because there were no cell phones or wireless internet. I want the creepy music and Jason walking super-slow but always able to catch you in the end. They're not even bringing back Crazy Ralph -- blasphemy!
Oh, and fuck you, Michael Bay. Stick with The Transformers, Armageddon, and that stupid TV commercial. Only Rutger Hauer can play John Ryder, and you're retarded for thinking otherwise.
So on Friday, February 13, you'll find me crying in my beer over the death of another great horror classic.