Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Movie News: Rob Zombie's H2


I will admit that I have one flaw in my objective horror movie watching and judging. That flaw is that in my eyes, Rob Zombie could do no wrong. I've already slammed the Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th remakes this year, but I have absolutely no problem with RZ "re-imagining" any franchise he damn well pleases. I just love him and everything he does. There, I feel better with that off my chest ;o)
That said, the sequel to the remake of Halloween starts filming next month and is set for release in August. Tyler Mane and Scout-Taylor Compton seem to be on board, and besides that, pretty much every died from the original movie. Zombie has confirmed that this is not a remake of Halloween 2, but will continue directly from the end of his last movie. More news as it becomes available.
Also! Shamless promotion: check out Sherri Moon Zombie's fashion line, Total Skull, if you're into that kind of stuff. Love it ;o)

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Asylum (2007)

College students getting murdered? A haunted dorm?! Call Jared Leto and the Noxzema girl because we're doing Urban Legend Part 3!

Asylum is the story of a group of college students starting their first year at Richard Miller University. Apparently this school only accepts people who have had major childhood issues because everyone in this movie has some sort of strange past affliction.

They all move into a "new" dorm, but only after a Crazy-Ralph-like maintenence guy telling them to "be careful." Why, you wonder? Because the dorm used to be a....mental hospital! Long story short, a weird doctor took over the asylum in the 1930's, kicked everyone but teenagers out, and proceeded to give them all lobotomies to cure their ills. Until they staged a revolution and killed the doctor, that is.


So now the dorm is haunted by this psycho doctor and the poor students and their past demons are involved. Each person gets individually "visited" by the doctor and transported back into whatever was their problem before they came to this glorious institution. One guy has a crazy eating disorder, one has an alcoholic mother, abusive boyfriends, schitzo parents...you get the picture.


The doctor's tagline is "Give Me Your Suffering!" which I find pretty bizarre. I guess it's "give" in terms of "let me GIVE you a lobotomy" but I'm not entirely sure.


This movie was pretty predictable, and although I wasn't really pushed to the point of turning it off at any point, it was generally boring and cliched. Meh.

Grade: D (I Still Know What You Did Last Summer - kids go to college and just repeat cliche after horror cliche)

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Inside (2006)


As we all know, I've seen hundreds of horror movies. When in comes to movies made in the new millenium, I walk away laughing more often than screaming.
That said, this movie scared the ever-loving shit out of me. The box/cover has absolutely nothing to do with how fucking insane this movie actually is. It reminded me a lot of Frailty, a little sleeper thriller that you really never heard too much about, but will keep you from sleeping at night.
Inside is the story of a disturbed young man named Alex. His parents died in a horrific accident and he is left to fend for himself, living alone and working at the local library. He meets a cute little punk girl, Josie, to whom he divulges his secret. He follows people and spies on them. He tells her of this one couple, who comes into the library often to take out the same book over and over. He decides to follow them home one day and see what their deal is.
Unfortunately, Alex gets caught, but strangely enough, the couple asks him to stay. As it turns out, Alex reminds them of their son Timmy, who died of a degenerative bone disease. This is where the movie takes a serious twist. As the beginning of a descent into total insanity, the couple becomes convinced that Alex is a reincarnation of their dead son. I mean, seriously these people make comparison lists, brush his hair in the same way, and test this poor bastard to prove that he is in fact, Timmy.
I can't really give away too many more details without spoiling the movie, but if you have a strong stomach (and nerve), this is definitely one to check out. I found myself literally on the edge of my couch and squirming around for the majority of this movie. A real gem in the independent horror landscape.
Grade A (Stephen King's Misery: Shit is scary when psychos lock in you their house and lay their insanity on you)

Movie News: The Cabin in the Woods

Reading about this movie actually made me think of one of my favorite made-for-TV horror movies...


...but I digress. Cabin in the Woods is a top-secret horror movie written by Buffy the Vampire Slayer's Joss Whedon and Cloverfield's Drew Goddard. They have finally started casting people, and it's all dudes so far. We've got the West Wing's Bradley Whitford and Six Feet Under's Richard Jenkins, who was actually most recently the dad in Stepbrothers. I'm pinning Richie to be whatever middle-aged crazy hermit guy is up in this joint.
Drew Goddard is telling the gossips that "...though The Cabin in the Woods is a classic horror film, it isn't one you've seen before." Hmmmm, I'll believe that when I see it. Call me jaded, but I've just seen a few too many screaming teenagers chased through the woods by men with some sort of weird complex to think that they're breaking new ground here.
This movie drops on February 5, 2010, so we've got plenty of time to speculate.


Saturday, January 17, 2009

My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009)

Now come on, we all knew this movie was going to be totally cheesy and horrendous. But subsequently, it was also AWESOME.

Saturday night, Union Square Regal Cinemas, and we are standing in line with 100+ other people having a literal stroke over the prospect of wearing those badass 3-D glasses. When the message. "please put on your 3D glasses now" flashed on the screen, people literally cheered. And so it begins.


My Bloody Valentine is a remake of the 1981 flick where a mining disaster on Valentine's Day leaves a couple of dozen people dead. To update the "original", they snatch up a bunch of B-List twenty-somethings and throw in a lot of blood and nudity. We've got at least two Dawson's Creek alums, Jaime King, and a chick that's been credited both as "Hot Treadmill Jogger" and "Ass-Grabbin Girl." I really hope that this movie doesn't get neglected when it comes time for Oscars noms.

Anyway, the general plot is that someone involved with this "disaster" returns to his hometown ten years later to find out that most people think he did it! There's a little love triangle going on and some digging to find out what really happened. Everyone is naked and banging (including full frontal female nudity) just like the typical 80s slasher flick.

The real fun part about this movie was the inventive ways that people keep getting killed off. The 3-D effects made it really awesome, and was definitely a throwback to the days of Freddy and Jason where the killing was actually pretty damn creative, and not instigated by babies dialing cell phones or ghosts ripped from Asian cinema.

I have to be honest, the plot in this movie was pretty much non-existent. It wasn't really scary in any way, but everyone in the theater was roaring and it was the best time I've had at the movies in a while. If you're looking for nothin' but a good time at the movies while its 3 degrees out, get some drinks and go check out My Bloody Valentine in 3-D.

Grade: C+ (Friday the 13th Part 3D - come on, you really can't fault a 3-D movie!)