Monday, January 18, 2010

Jennifer's Body (2009)

I really, really wanted to like this movie.  I generally loathe Megan Fox, as I believe she's a no-talent Angelina wannabe who coasts by using her constant presence on the pages of Maxim.  However, I do love Amanda Seyfried and Diablo Cody so I had to give this a shot.

In my opinion, this movie was basically a direct rip-off of Ginger Snaps, except that Jennifer gets her bloodlust from a lame eyeliner-wearing emo band instead of a werewolf on the loose.

Here's the story.  Jennifer and Needy (what a stupid nickname) are best buds.  This shocks everyone because Jennifer is so hot blah blah blah and Needy is a geek.  They go to a concert one night where Jennifer is set on hooking up with the lead singer.  The band thinks she's a virgin for some stupid reason (she's not) and they sweep her off in their van to be sacrificed.  But apparently bad things happen when you try to sacrifice a virgin that is not actually a virgin.  Thus, this ridiculous movie.

Jennifer runs around seducing dudes and eating them, much like a demented praying mantis.  Nobody in the community has a clue as to what is going on, so they mourn and listen to this stupid song that supposedly represents their pain.  Quite predictably because of the obvious foreshadowing at the opening of the movie, it's up to Needy to stop Jennifer's reign of terror.  Bo-ring.

The sole purpose of this movie seemed to be Megan Fox looking pouty and dumb, and a makeout scene between Jennifer and Needy.   I was a big Diablo Cody fan through both Juno and her book, Candy Girl, but she seriously misfired with this lame attempt at horror.

photo source

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Zombie Strippers! (2008)


I really had high hopes for this movie.  I was really holding out for an Evil Dead meets Showgirls.  Sadly, this was not.

The first 15 minutes of this movie is some stupid military thing bashing (ex) President Bush.  It all boils down to the fact that the government created some sort of virus to reanimate soldiers after death since resources were spread so thin.

Of course, one of the experimental humans escapes to a now-illegal strip club and bites the lovely Jenna Jameson.  After death and zombifying, she ends up being a WAYYY better stripper than before and all the girls want in.

You've got all the typical characters: The super hot and most popular stripper (Jenna), the goth stripper, the cornfed virgin stripper, the one who's jealous of Jenna, and the hard-ass Russian lady manager.

I was actually super-excited to see Robert Englund in this movie because I really like him.  But in this movie, he plays the stupidest part.  He's a strip-club owner, who hates strippers and sprays Lysol on them when they approach.  He's cheesy and seedy and just all around lame.

So all of the girls want to be successful strippers by becoming zombies.  It's never quite explained why the men would rather see blood-covered corpses dancing than regular ladies.  Or how no one notices that their friends keep going missing by being eaten by the strippers.

Eventually this all goes wrong (obviously) and a mini-zombie war takes place in the strip club.  The results are pretty lame and just involve a lot of fake tits, brain-eating, and flesh tearing.

I feel bad but this movie was just not fun.  I was bored after 30 minutes.  I watched it all the way through for the sake of reviewing it, but it was just awful, and not in a good way.   The one redeeming part was the awesome stripping music.  If you like hard rock (like myself) check out the soundtrack and hit up your downloading source of choice.

Halloween 2 Director's Cut (2009)


Well this is a first for The Scream Queen.  I'm actually revisiting a movie on this blog that I've already reviewed.  This either makes me an objective movie-goer willing to see if the director's cut is an improvement on the original...or magnifies my sick obsession with Rob Zombie.  Maybe both.

Anyway, Rob Zombie's promise of this cut being drastically different was pretty much an exaggeration.  The only major differences I could spot were: (a) Laurie and Annie bitch at each other more often (b) Laurie drinks more (c) there's a different ending.

Laurie and Annie having a more difficult relationship does nothing for the movie.  Laurie claims that Annie's scars constantly remind her of the Michael attack.  Thanks, Captain Obvious.  She also imagines killing Annie in a manner similar to Michael killing his stepfather.  Lame and continuing to piggyback off of the resemblance between Scout and Chase.

Laurie drinking more just adds another stupid subplot where she hides booze in her room.  She still whines just as often so obviously alch isn't helping with that little problem.  The "alternate" ending was basically a slo-mo copy of the [awesome] Devil's Rejects ending, but was not cool because of the previous fail of this entire movie.

So, honestly, I was looking forward to a major change in the movie to make this something I would like.  But the crappy parts still remained and I feel sad.  I will not be buying this on DVD, nor watching it ever again.  Sorry, Rob.  I'm holding my breath (tentatively) for The Blob.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Fortress (1986)


I think that the reason many viewers stumble back across this movie is the immense fear they encountered viewing it as a child. Picture upstate New York, late 80s, and my sister and I are shreiking wildly and shielding our eyes because of "Father Christmas" and the rest of his merry gang. A decade where kidnappings were abundant and I was at an impressionable age, this movie was downright terrifying. Years later, I tracked down this movie on the internet and purchased it for some ridiculously inflated price.


Fortress aired on HBO in 1986. This Australian film was loosely based on the 1972 Faraday School kidnapping of a teacher and her class by Edwin John Eastwood and Robert Clyde Boland. The movie kicks off with a small family living in the Australian outback, including the teacher for the local school. It's truly a one-room school where everyone from kindergarten to the twelfth grade learns together. They are literally out in the middle of nowhere and even have an outhouse for a bathroom.

The quiet and idyllic day comes to a quick halt when the classroom is taken hostage by a group of creepers in weird masks. This was seriously the one aspect of the movie that seemed to stick with all of the babies of the 80s - the kidnappers wearing duck, mouse, platypus and Santa masks. They load the whole class into a van (luckily allowing them to take their backpacks -- "cases" to the Aussies) and drive them to a remote area of the "bush." (love Australian vernacular!)

The kidnappers dump the class of kids in an underground cave, seemingly to go make ransom arrangements and return for them later.  However, the resourceful kids and their teacher, Miss Jones, have other plans.  They make their way out of the cave (ugh, that swimming scene still gives me the shivers) but unfortunately their little adventure has just begun.

The masked men chase the class through the Australian outback, but they're obviously not aware of who they are messing with.  The kids trick the kidnappers, set up booby-traps a la the Goonies, and just behave as all-around badasses.  When I watch this movie, I just think that if these were American children, they would just sit down and cry for Nickelodeon and McDonald's.

The ending is awesome, especially the little follow-up/investigation part.  You're probably not going to find this movie in any Blockbuster, but maybe they still show it on HBO late at night.  Definitely a little-known classic with an original story.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Movie News: Halloween 2 Director's Cut


We all know my feelings on Rob Zombie's disastrous film, Halloween 2.  Although I've been a huge fan of his films and music for years, I absolutely abhorred the ridiculous mess that was his most recent release.

However, Rob has tempted me with a promise of a director's cut of Halloween 2 that is completely different from the original.

Says Zombie:

“There is another version of the movie that’s very, very different..Laurie Strode’s character is the main difference…(In the theatrical) She’s holding it together, getting her life together and it starts spiraling downward. In the other version, she’s an incredible mess and gets worse. She never has any good moments, she’s just messed up, she’s lashing out at everyone, she’s horrible. Messed up on drugs, she’s just completely spun out through the whole movie. It makes for a real challenging movie to watch and I feel like I don’t know if fans would’ve embraced so much darkness.”

He also claims that Laurie and Annie's relationship is akin to cat-fighting in the alternate version.  Interesting.  I don't really understand this....did the studio not allow him to release this messed-up version of the movie that's possibly better?  Or is he just trying to get people like me who hated the first version to give it another chance?

Well, anyway, I've rushed to the store on release date to buy every Zombie movie released, but he's not going to get me this time.  It's on the top of my Netflix queue (on Blu-Ray, woooo!) and if this director's cut is truly the movie's saving grace, then he'll get my $20.  However, deep down I feel that if he doesn't lose the whole ghost-mom storyline and douchebag Dr. Loomis, I'm probably still going to hate it.

Movie News: Cabin in the Woods pushed to 2011


Lame.  Josh Whedon's much-anticipated horror flick, The Cabin in the Woods, has been pushed to January 2011 in order for it to be converted to 3-D.
Seriously?  I mean I love 3-D as much as the next person, but is this really necessary?  You build up the hype for this whole thing and then pull the rug out from under horror fans, so you can change the format to 3-D?  This is a total FAIL in my opinion.