Friday, April 30, 2010

Movie News: Rutger Hauer to star in Grindhouse spinoff

Hobo With a Shotgun, the winner of the "Make Your Own Grindhouse Trailer" contest, is now being made into a feature-length film.  And much to my delight, it will be starring the iconic creeper himself, Rutger Hauer.

From Ain't it Cool News:

"Hobo is the story of a homeless drifter who starts taking out his economically displaced rage on everyone from robbers to corrupt cops to a child-molesting Santa Claus. Director Jason Eisener is said to be currently filming in Halifax, Nova Scotia with Rutger Hauer taking over the starring role."

Really excited about this one!  If only it would be finished in time to be a double-feature with Machete!

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Movie News: Machete Release Date Pushed to September

Somehow this one slipped by me.  Originally slated for release this month, it looks like Machete is coming to theaters on September 3, 2010.

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Thursday, April 29, 2010

The Human Centipede: First Sequence (2009)

Video on Demand is a glorious thing.  For the low price of $5.99, I can watch nonsense like this without showing myself in public as someone who is interested in watching three people be sewn together by a crazy surgeon.

I'm going to say it.  I liked this movie.  If that makes me a deranged individual, then so be it.  IMDB reviewers made me think that I would be vomiting all throughout this movie.  Although this is obviously a sick concept, the movie itself is not as graphic as you would expect.  If you can stomach something like Martyrs or Audition, this one will be no problem for you.

Okay, so to the story.  Lindsay and Jenny are two American girls vacationing in Europe.  While in Germany, they decide to hit a nightclub when disaster strikes.  They take a wrong turn and get a flat tire in the middle of nowhere.  It's pouring rain and they happen upon the house of Dr. Heiter.  Seriously, they could not have found a creepier guy to play the doctor.  This dude gave me the shivers.  The ladies think that the doctor is calling the rental car company and then poof! they wake up in a basement hospital hooked up to IVs and such. 

The original third part to the centipede is in there with them, but Dr. Heiter decides that he is not a good match.  Instead, he replaces him with Japanese tourist Katsuro.  He explains to his captives that they are about to undergo surgery to be connected mouth to anus to become a human centipede.  Obviously this is terrifying and awful and they would all rather be dead.  But death is not an option because these peeps are going ass to mouth, quite literally. (you know I had to put that in here somewhere)

So the centipede is created and Dr. Heiter is parading them around and making them fetch newspapers and stuff.  He's having a bit of difficulty discerning the human centipede from this three-dog creature he created previously.  Obviously we know the mechanics of eating and such with this setup is really gross.  But honestly, they don't show that much of it.  (No 2 girls, 1 cup in this flick)  When the doctor is jumping around saying "Feeeeeeed herrrrrrr" I was seriously skeeved out though.  There's a lot of action and suspense towards the end of the movie

This movie was original, exciting, and fast-paced.  It was definitely not the total gross-out torture porn that I expected.  Tom Six succeeded in making it thought-provoking as well.  It has stuck with me after viewing and I would watch it again.  I'm looking forward to "Full Sequence" which apparently was his original plan for the movie and involves 12 (!) people for the centipede.

This is currently in theaters in NYC, but it's available on Movies on Demand (the IFC in theaters section)




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Thursday, April 22, 2010

C.H.U.D. (1984)

It's been a while since I've seen a flick as awesomely bad as C.H.U.D.  I actually vaguely remember seeing this movie on the shelf in the video store as a kid.  I can't believe I've never seen it until now.

C.H.U.D. stands for Cannabilistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers. (that's a mouthful)  Apparently some homeless people in NYC have morphed into monsters with glowing eyes that live underground and snatch unsuspecting people through manholes. 

George (John Heard) is our esteemed photographer who has been doing some sort of photojournalistc project about homeless people.  He also gives them food, money, etc. and bails them out of jail.  And for some reason, he's "annoyed" when he has to do high-fashion photoshoots with his nude model girlfriend.  Weird.

A.J. Shepard aka The Reverend (Daniel Stern) runs a soup kitchen downtown.  He's becoming concerned because many of his "undergrounders" have gone missing lately.  Little does he know they haven't gone missing as much as become mutants.   Captain Bosch (Christopher Curry) is thrown into the mix because he's investigating the disapperance of his wife (which is probs due to C.H.U.D.)

All three come together in their underground search for what is causing disappearances, deaths and injuries.  This movie is PURE 80s goodness.  We've got cheesy synthesizer music, terrible special effects, and corny acting.  All the things I love about B-movie horror.  This movie was definitely fun and although it won't really scare you, you'll definitely laugh a lot.  And if like me, you live in Manhattan, you can start randomly blaming things on C.H.U.D. to annoy others ;o)

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Carriers (2009)

As mentioned previously (okay, lots of times), I am a HUGE sucker for end of the world/apocalypse movies.  I just love them -- the barren landscapes, the lone rangers trekking cross-country, the constant search for a cure or safe haven or what-have-you.

Carriers is an awesome little movie that no one really heard of.  We've got a group of 20-somethings: Danny, Brian, Bobby, and Kate.  The world has been hit by a massive virus that has killed nearly everyone.  The symptoms are rashes all over your body and bleeding from your mouth, ears, etc.  The virus is highly contagious from direct contact and can live on surfaces for 24 hours.

The foursome is headed across the country to a beach that the two guys visited as children.  The hotels in the seaside town have been long-abandoned and they believe there will be safety and shelter until everything blows over.  However, getting across the country is difficult when the gas pumps aren't working and there are sick people blocking your way.  Frank and Jodie are such people.  Frank has run out of gas and his daughter is sick.  As the group tries to get around Frank's car, they find themselves in quite the predicament. 
Will they take on some passengers?  Change course?  Lose passengers along the way?  I don't want to give away too much ;o)

This flick was quite the sleeper, especially as it was rated PG-13.  It was a fast-paced, gripping, and eerie story.  The gore level is low and although there's a few jump-scares, they're perfectly timed (I almost fell off my couch during one!)  Definitely a movie to check out. 
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Monday, April 19, 2010

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

The weekend of awesome remakes continues at casa de Scream Queen.  Next up, we have The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  Honestly, this is one of my favorite horror remakes.  I know, I shouldn't love a butchering of a classic, starring Jessica Biel, no less, but this is a pretty good flick.

The premise is the same as the original -- a bunch of good-looking twenty-somethings are on a road trip through rural Texas.  Except this time, they're coming from Mexico and headed for a Skynard concert, not checking on Grandpa's corpse.  We also don't have a Franklin in this one, much to my relief.

Furthermore, this little group of wanderers does not happen upon an abandoned house because it's their grandfather's.  On the contrary, they have a little suicide mishap in their car and get directed to a "meeting spot" with the sheriff.  I understand that this was the 70s and everyone was pretty laid back, but if someone ever told me to drive to an abandoned house with a dead body in my car to meet up with law enforcement, I would say no. freakin. way.

So, as you would expect, the middle of nowhere is not a good place for a rendevous, especially when you run into a creepy little mutant kid and then decide to split up.  Not a good plan for anyone involved.  All goes to hell after this, with us getting a little background on Leatherface (skin disease) and a random storyline about a stolen baby (never quite understood that one)

This movie is definitely more gory and fast-paced than the original, but lacks the overall creepiness of the 1974 version.  Definitely an awesome remake though.
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Sunday, April 18, 2010

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

Some horror fans think this movie is boring and lame.  I disagree.  I love this movie.  It spawned so many other ripoffs/homages/however you want to put it, including one of my personal favorites, The House of 1000 Corpses.  The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a true classic.  Filmed in a month in the blazing Texas summer heat, the movie used little-known actors and a teeny tiny budget.  In fact, Gunnar Hansen, the actor who played Leatherface had to wear the same shirt for every day of filming.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a story of a group of 20-somethings headed into rural Texas.  There's young and pretty Sally, wheelchair-bound Franklin, Sally's boyfriend Jerry, and couple Kirk and Pam.  The purpose of their trip is to see if Sally and Franklin's dead grandfather was the victim of some recent grave-robbings.  When they find out that his corpse is safe and sound, they decide to head over the grandpa's old property to check it out.  On the way, they pick up a super-creepy hitchhiker and have to stop for gas at a creepy roadside stand, only to find out that their is no gas.  Once they arrive at the house, they play around a bit and eventually get separated.

Unfortunately, Franklin's limitations are kind of holding up the whole getting-away-in-a-hurry part, and Sally becomes frustrated as she tries to find her friends.  The local weirdos, including Leatherface himself, use the opportunity of them all being separated to catch their prey.  This whole movie illicits such a creepy and eerie vibe that no amount of special effects can create.  The dinner scene is especially spooky.

The only thing that sort of bugs me about this movie is the Franklin character.  I'm fine with the fact that he's in a wheelchair (although that does nothing but slow the group down) but he's just all whiny and annoying and doesn't serve much of a purpose in terms of a character.  Awesome movie, definite horror classic.



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Friday, April 16, 2010

The Hills Have Eyes (2006)

The future hubs and I are currently busy putting together the invites for our wedding (two months, eeek!)  So this is going to be a weekend full of movies we've already seen but I've never written reviews about.  It's also the weekend of awesome remakes.  Anyone who knows me/reads this blog knows that I am a bigtime whiner about remakes.  Don't ruin a classic, come up with your own idea blah blah blah.  However, there are some pretty badass remakes out there and The Hills Have Eyes  is one of them.

The cover to this movie is stupid and therefore I will represent the awesomeness of this flick with a shot of Big Brain (see left)  He is the creepiest mutant in the movie and way better than any of the promo shots.  The remake actually follows the originally pretty closely.  There's some differences in plot points, but all in all, it remains true to Craven's original vision.  The one thing I really like about this remake is the transformation of the "hill people" into radioactive mutants instead of just weirdos with a taste for humans.  I like reasoning behind things.  That's probably why I liked Rob Zombie's Halloween and everyone else hated it.

The Hills Have Eyes is the story of a family driving to California (the remake is set in present day, as opposed to the 1970s).  Some spikes on the road cause them to crash the car and trailer and be stranded in the middle of the desert, miles from civilization.  Little do they know that they are being closely watched by cannibalisitic mutants chilling out in a nearby bomb testing site.  Pops takes off for the nearest gas station for help, while the hipster son-in-law peaces in the other direction.  Both of these things were obviously horrible ideas and do not end well.  When the mutants approach the family's trailer, all goes to hell and the battle begins.

The makeup and special effects in this movie were killer, although I do prefer the actors/actresses from the original version.  There was one thing that confused me about this movie though (maybe someone could clarify)  Big Brain explains that when the government forced them out of their houses, they hid in the mines during the bomb tests.  Nuclear testing began in the 1950s.  This movie is set in the 2000s (they mention cell phones several times)  Anyone that "hid" (including freak pictured above) would have to be in their 80s at this time.  I feel like there was a continuation/timing issue with that.  Anyway, I know it's nitpicky.  This movie is great, even though the original still holds up.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Movie News: "The Human Centipede" gets limited release in NYC

I am seriously starting to think that I am a sick and demented person that needs some sort of horror intervention.  I really want to see this movie.  I'm making plans to go by myself so I don't have to drag anyone with me and make them throw up/hate me forever.

The Human Centipede is about a creepy doctor who is an expert at separating conjoined twins.  Now he wants to try a new project: joining three people together to share a digestive system and live as a centipede.

The best part about this?  Director and writer Tom Six had full cooperation of an actual surgeon who help devise the logistics of the centipede.  The surgeon (who won't release his name for obvious reasons) did some serious research on this and concluded that this experiment could survive for years.  This kind of thing is why I was obsessed with Nip/Tuck for so long.  Ridiculous injuries and surgeries that you don't think could possibly exist, but apparently they can.

This nonsense is slithering (heh) into NYC theaters on April 30th.  Is anyone else going to check this out?
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Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Movie News: "Never Sleep Again: The Elm Street Legacy"

I'm super-psyched about this!  From the makers of His Name is Jason, horror fans will be treated to a look back at 25 years of Nightmare on Elm Street movies.  The documentary will star and be narrated by Heather Langenkamp herself! (squeeeeeeee!!!!)  I think some wine and a nice long NOES marathon is in order.

The doc will hit DVD (not Blu-Ray though, booo) on May 4, 2010.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Dead Air (2009)

I liked this movie.  But then again, I'm partial to both end of the world movies and Bill Moseley.  So this was really a score for me.

Bill Moseley plays shock-jock Logan Burnhardt, who hosts a contraversial late-night show on the radio.  One night, he comes into work and things have really gone crazy.  He brings up the subject of paranoia, and takes some hysterical calls before shit really hits the fan.  Logan and his co-workers soon realize that a deadly virus has been released into the air by terrorists.  This virus causes people to go crazy and kill/eat each other, much like the "rage" in 28 Days/28 Weeks Later. 

He reaches out to callers to dial into the show and let him know what is going on so that others can be informed.  Meanwhile, no one has any idea that the terrorists are lurking nearby.  There are battles on both sides as the crew struggles with both terrorists and infected.

There was not a whole lot of gory zombie scenes in this movie, as it was more about the drama.  Although this flick was no Dawn of the Dead, I thought it was engaging and thrilling.  Worth checking out.

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Dead Man's Hand: Casino of the Damned (2007)

He he he.  Obviously just looking at this box would clue you into the fact that this movie is bound to be silly as hell.  And that it was.

The two headliners of this movie are actually barely in it.  But obviously they needed some sort of pull to get anyone to watch this nonsense.  In fact, that's how I got my grubby paws on it....by searching for movies starring Sid Haig.

Dead Man's Hand is the story of a 20-something guy who inherits a casino from his great uncle.  Apparently he's the nearest living relative.  He and a motley crew of buddies trek out to Vegas to check out the place.  It's the type of group you would expect: cute couple trying to make a life for themselves, stoner, cute nerdy girl, internet model and her skeezy boyfriend. 

Obviously the casino has been closed for years and is totally nasty.  But the kids have big dreams of remodeling the place and making it popular again.  Good luck with that.  While drinking beer and investigating, they stumble upon a mystery.  Apparently, years ago, there was a shootout at the casino where two prominent mobsters and a few employees were killed.  As you would expect, the dead mobsters (Sid Haig and Michael Berryman, natch) are back for revengeeeee.  It's unclear what they want, although they do mention the uncle's hidden treasure quite often.  As they are deceased, I'm confused as to how they would spend said treasure.

In addition to the mobster ghosts, there's a blackjack ghost, a roulette ghost, and a slutty slot girl ghost.  One by one, these ghosts pick off the friends sleeping throughout the casino.  It's pretty apparent from one look at this movie that it was going to be totally lame and silly.  But I did promise my fiance I would find him a horror movie that involved casinos.  Mission accomplished ;o)

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Hellraiser (1987)

Confession time: I've never seen Hellraiser.  I think I always imagined it as a Freddy Krueger type of thing and I just never got around to watching it.  So I'm probably committing total horror blasphemy by posting this, but I thought Hellraiser was kind of lame.  Maybe it's just too supernatural for me or I just didn't "get it", but when the movie ended, I was like, "meh."

Hellraiser is the story of a couple (Larry and Julia) who moves back into the husband's parents' old house.  Little do they know that hubby's brother (Frank) was playing around with a possessed box and got himself chucked into another dimension.  They just figure he's in jail or something when really his body parts are hanging out in the attic.

While moving in, Larry cuts himself on a nail and runs upstairs whining and dripping blood all over.  Apparently this is all Frank needed to be re-animated, but not quite.  Now he's living in the attic in a weird deformed state.  Anddddd, drama time!  Julia and Frank used to bang.  Even right on her wedding dress before she got married.  The lovin' was so good, that not only does Julia give the time of day to this freaky creature, but agrees to kill people to bring him back to life.

Unfortunately, Julia is not able to keep her husband and his daughter Kirsty from being involved in this little debacle and all hell breaks loose.  Much like Pandora, no one can leave this box alone even though it obviously causes issues.  Although I thought that Pinhead was the star of this movie, he is just one of the Cenobites that capture you when you fool around with this freaky box.  I believe he became more prevalent in the sequels.

Anyway, I just really didn't like this movie so much.  Feel free to crucify me in the name of horror.  It wasn't the 80s style effects or anything that bugged me...I just didn't think it was that good.  It also appears that they're remaking this next year.  More to come on that.

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