Sunday, April 24, 2011

UKM: The Ultimate Killing Machine (2006)

Michael Madsen in a movie that only gets a 3.1 on IMDB?  Say it ain't so. 

UKM is a movie about military experiments.  I don't know much about the intricate details of the military, so I'm not biased as it relates to accuracy in this flick.  Basically, a secret government organization is trying to create soldiers that are ultimate killing machines.  They tried it with experienced soldier, but it didn't work out so well.  So they recruit a bunch of nobodies, including runaways, fugitives, and drug addicts, to join in the program.

The test subjects are quarantined in some random facility, have the procedure performed on them, and then are strapped to gurneys.  Some idiot tries to sexually assault one of the subjects, and she beats the crap out of him and lets everyone free. 

This "escape" seems almost deliberately planned in order to see how the recruits will act when let loose in the world.  In addition to the desire to kill kill kill, they also become horny and start jumping all over each other.  The major (Michael Madsen) informs them of the experiment, expressing that they can avoid all the dramz by avoiding "getting excited."  Easier said than done.

Of course, there's a ridiculous amount of nonsense in this movie.  A crack addict is in a brand-new Victoria's Secret bra and panty set.  A hipster is an ever-willing Army recruit.  People are allowed to take Army photos while flipping off the camera.  But everyone is hot (girls and guys) and there's blood, gore, decapitation,  and general awesomeness.

Apparently Michael Madsen is busting ass to get to 200 movies, which is why he seems to be appearing in every movie possible (House, anyone?) .  I don't hate on that.  It made several people's careers, including Danny Trejo, Bill Moseley (in the horror world) and probably eventually Danielle Harris.  If you're not going to walk every red carpet like Brad and Angie, I say go balls out and be in every movie you can.  Madsen, I salute you.

I really didn't hate this movie.   It wasn't the best thing I've ever seen but it certainly wasn't the worst.   Maybe I'm still flying high off of Jack Kilborn's Afraid (I'll do a post soon, I promise!) but this flick was acceptable in my book.  Nothing awesome, but we've got Madsen, head choppings, and 20-somethings banging....you can't hope for much more on Easter Sunday ;)

Random: 30 Day Horror Day 30

What is your favorite horror movie of all time?

Hate all you want, haters.  The Devil's Rejects makes my sick and demented heart filled with ridiculous joy.  I love every minute of this movie, from that moment when the Fireflys stand up with the armor, to the chick running around in the face mask, to Otis declaring "I am the devil."

I understand that this won't be a popular choice, but I've just never come across a movie (horror or otherwise) that I love as much as The Devils Rejects.  Yes, all the classics follow closely behind, but if I'm trapped on a desert island with one movie, I want Baby, Otis, and Captain Spaulding to keep me company.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Random: 30 Day Horror Challenge Day 29

Your least favorite horror movie?

It's really hard for me to put into words how much I fucking hate Jeepers Creepers.  I don't know what it is about this movie I just hate so much.  The truck is stupid, the sewed-up people in the ground are lame, and that song is SO ANNOYING.  I've seen this movie like three times and I still don't understand what the hell it is about.  Also, Justin Long kind of sucks.  This movie is the worst.

Random: 30 Day Horror Challenge Day 28

Favorite horror movie no one's ever heard of.

Fortress, wheeeee!  No one has ever heard of this movie because it was on TV on HBO in the 1980s.  It seems like there's a small portion of a  generation secretly terrified of Father Christmas and guys screaming "Noreeeelllleeeee!" 

We were horrified by this movie as kids, and years later I hunted it down on a mediocre DVD for an astronomical price.  I still watch it on the regular.

Monday, April 18, 2011

iMurders (2008)



I pretty much only watched this movie because my man William Forsythe is in it.   I mean, I watch a lot of crap, but iMurders?  That's like the worst name for a horror movie EVER.  However, I actually liked this movie.  We've got some pretty solid acting power up in here, including Tony Todd, Charles Durning, and Billy Dee Williams.

Capitalizing on the success of Facebook, iMurders employs something called FaceSpace.  Several characters involved in the movie have all met through FaceSpace and now convene once a week for a chat night.  The chatters come from all walks of life and range from models to college professors to special effects gurus.  Not only do they chat from week to week, but they also play a little game to keep the group exciting.

One week, the special effects guy sets up a Halloween-themed game.  As we watch him get slaughtered on the webcam, we think it's just some very intense game play.  But no!  Someone is seeking to kill everyone in the chat group...including sexxxayyy prof Forsythe.  But why?  And that's what you need to find out by watching this movie.

Sure this was a little corny, but the story kept me hooked.  I found the end to be a surprise and the acting, twists, and characters were good all around.  I mean, a lot of movies I like get a less than 5 on IMDB so I'm not going to let that sway me ;)

Isolation (2005)

I know.  Killer cows, right?  What the fuck?  And it comes from Ireland?  They make horror movies now? I don't care.  This movie was freakin' scary, man.

Seriously, the concept seems so random and destined to fail.  But it was executed really well and made it a unique and scary flick.  Basically, Isolation is about a broke farmer (Dan) who takes cash from a genetics lab wanting to do testing on his cows.  He isn't told what they're doing, but he has befriended (or maybe more?) the vet (Orla) who checks on the animals.

There's also some others involved.  Jamie and Mary have parked their trailer on his property, running from Mary's angry brothers.  Initially, Dan wants them to leave, but gives them one night to get their shit together.

Meanwhile, one of the cows is giving birth.  This cow (and maybe it's calf?) has been treated with the genetic enhancements and the delivery may not be routine.  Dan has difficulty, and calls in the squatters to help.  This starts a domino effect when everyone realizes that the baby cow is no cute little animal.  In fact, it's a raging beast that could be host to any number of creatures that could take out the whole country.

Definitely check this movie out even though the concept sounds silly!  It's really a solid watch.  I'm excited to see more horror come out of Ireland.

Random: 30 Day Horror Challenge Day 27

Favorite guilty pleasure horror movie?

I don't know what it is about Maximum Overdrive.  Maybe it's the killer trucks, maybe it's the AC/DC music, maybe it's the fact that Emilio Estevez looks dead fucking sexy.  Stephen King claims that he was so high on coke making this movie that he barely remembers a thing.  This does seem like a movie that someone on coke would make.

This movie is such a guilty pleasure.  It's pretty cheesy and come on, killer trucks?  They've even got the midget from Poltergeist in this flick. But that scene where they look back over the highway to see the big line of trucks gets me every damn time.

Random: 30 Day Horror Challenge Day 26

A horror film you loved to watch as a child.

Isn't the term "child" kind of relative?  I kind of wasn't allowed to watch to watch horror movies as a child, but I became obsessed when I was in junior high.  And the movie we would watch over and over was Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors.  This is arguably the best sequel of the series.  It has a lot of great acting (for a horror movie), a great story, and some awesome deaths.  That puppet scene still gives me the willies.

This movie brings back great memories of me, my sister, and a couple girlfriends crammed on my the sofabed, throwing popcorn at each other, squealing with laughter and reciting all the great lines of this movie.  Doing the Taryn dream impression was always my favorite.  "I'm bad AND beautiful!"

Random: 30 Day Horror Challenge Day 25

A horror movie you used to hate, but now like.

Is this a weird choice?  I saw The Ruins in the theater with my sister and I decided to hate it.  Then I read the book.  Then I randomly bought the DVD at Blockbuster for reasons I'm not aware of.

Then I watched it again.  And another time.  And then I was forced to admit that I actually like this movie.  Maybe it was the reading of the book, which tied everything together.  Maybe it just grew on me.  But I will say that I like The Ruins.  Even when they cut that guy's leg off.  Badass.

Random: 30 Day Horror Challenge Day 24

Horror film in which you preferred the edited over the director's cut.

This one was hard for me, because I've never really paid attention to the difference between the two.  So, kind of lame answer.

I HATED Halloween 2 when I saw it in the theater.  However, I hated it MORE when I saw the director's cut.  So there.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Random: 30 Day Horror Challenge Day 23

What is your favorite made for TV horror movie?

I can talk fairly endlessly about my love for The Stand.  I've read the book dozens of times, and I discovered my love for the TV miniseries at a friend's house when I was a teenager.  Her mom had taped the series when it was on TV (remember those days?) and we stayed up all night watching it.

In my opinion, the actors that played the characters from King's book were so perfect in every way.  I heard that a remake might be in the works, and I just can't imagine anyone else playing Nadine, or Stu, or Frannie....or especially, Mother Abigail.  This movie was literally a perfect storm of casting, writing, and timing.  I bought the DVD set years later, and I still enjoy this series at least once a year on a snowy day.  

Random: 30 Day Horror Challenge Day 22

What is your favorite horror themed TV show?

God dammmnnn Jason Stackhouse is a sight for sore eyes.  It's been a long time since this jaded New Yorker has seen a man lookin' as good as he does.  But looks aside, I love me some True Blood.  I read all the Charlaine Harris books before I even saw the show, and when I set eyes on Anna Paquin as Sookie, I was freakin' hooked.

Sure, this show isn't the most truly "horror" thing out there, but it's sexy, bloody, and a hell of a lot of fun.  Can't wait for the next season.

Random: 30 Day Horror Challenge Day 21

What is your favorite medical horror film?

Come on, Dr. Giggles, baby.  This is a totally fun slasher about a self proclaimed doctor who escapes from a mental hospital to kill his victims in vaguely medical ways.  I loved watching this movie with friends in my junior high days.  His freaky laugh still creeps me out.  I'm going to give this one a rewatch soon ;o)

Random: 30 Day Horror Challenge Day 20


What's your favorite horror movie involving a killer animal?

I love dogs, Stephen King, and Dee Wallace.  So it's no surprise that Cujo is my favorite horror movie involving an animal.  This flick wouldn't work so much these days, with cell phone signals pretty much anywhere, but this story was entirely plausible in the 1980s.

Mom and son stuck in a car in the dead of summer while a rabid dog stalks them relentlessly.  It doesn't get much better than that ;o)

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Random: My Cinematic Horror Alphabet

http://assets.starz.com/Starz_com/Horz_Art_685x385/zombieland_2009_685x385.jpgStole this one from Rupert Pupkin Speaks and thought I'd do a horror version.  I'm sure I'm going to get horribly stuck on at least a couple of the letters.

A is for....American Psycho




A classic, and a hilarious representation of the excesses of Wall Street in the late 1980s.


B is for...Broken
This movie seriously fucked with my mind.  Like Martyrs, it's one that I've had a hard time bringing myself to watch again.
C is for...Cabin Fever

Hate on, haters.  I like this movie and Eli Roth too.  So there.

D is for...The Devil's Rejects 

Like you thought I would pick anything else.  TDR is like my horror Big Lebowski.  Every time I watch it, I find a different little thing I love about it.

E is for...Evil Dead
There are so many glorious things about this movie I can't even begin to cover them.  Probably the best low-budget movie ever made.


Not a typical pick, but this is in my top five.  Love this movie for so many reasons.


G is for...The Gate
For some reason, this movie instantly transports me back to the horror fun of the 1980s.  The "you've been baaaaadddd" scene used to haunt my dreams as a kid.

H is for...Halloween
H was a tough one.  I had to reject House of 1000 Corpses, The Hills Have Eyes and The Hitcher.

The ultimate revenge movie, hands down.  

J is for...Jason X
You probably expected me to pick Jeepers Creepers, didn't you?  I hate that fucking movie.  My choice of the cheesy and terrible Jason X just proves what a horrible movie Jeepers Creepers is.

K is for...Kalifornia
The second coming of Natural Born Killers.  Woody Harrelson is slightly more badass than Brad Pitt though.

L is for...The Lost Boys
Fuck Twilight.  The Lost Boys is where it's at.

M is for...Martyrs
A movie that's kept me thinking (and talking about it) years after I watched it.

N is for...Nightmare on Elm Street
Great story, great cast, and spawned some pretty good sequels.

O is for...Oldboy
I've rarely been as completely shocked watching a movie than I was with Oldboy.  Just an incredible flick all around.

P is for...Poltergeist
"They're hereeeeeeee."

Q is for...Quarantine
I kind of like Rec better but I couldn't think of another Q movie.

R is for...The Road
What can I say?  I'm a sucker for end of the world movies.  And this book touched my cold, cynical heart.

S is for....Scream
This was a tough choice too, but Scream is the classic of my generation.  Love this movie.

Such a classic.

U is for...Urban Legend
All the urban legends from my childhood, Jared Leto before he became a douche, and Rebecca Gayheart cutting bitches upppp.  Score.

V is for...Village of the Damned
Ahhhh, those creepy little ankle biters.

W is for...Wrong Turn
Expected this movie to be awful and I loved it.  Eliza kicks so much ass.

X is for...

I feel like I sort of used up my X on Jason X!  I'm going to have to let this one go.

Y is for...

Seriously, I read an entire list of horror movies that start with Y and it was no help.  I wish I could pick a Japanese title, but I still can't find anything that starts with a Y.  Ugh.

Z is for....Zombieland
Now nut up and make your own list....or shut up ;)

Random: 30 Day Horror Challenge Day 19

What is your favorite horror film involving the powers of Hell or Satanism?

This is kind of a cop-out isn't it?  Oh well.  My love-love-love relationship with The Exorcist started with my mom.  Although my mom claims to hate horror movies, The Exorcist is her favorite movie of all time.  She saw it at the drive-in back in the 1970s, well before anyone knew what lasting classic it would be.  When my sister and I misbehaved as children, my mom would wave her hand at us yelling, "the power of Christ compels you!'  haha ;)

The Exorcist is perfect in so many ways.  I don't think anyone could have played Reagan the way Linda Blair did, and the head-twisting, pea soup vomit, and crabwalk have been imprinted in horror fans' minds forever.  There have been tons of ripoffs, but luckily for all of us, no one has attempted a remake.  

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Random: 30 Day Horror Challenge Day 18

What is your favorite foreign horror movie?

Ahhhhh, I've been waiting for this one.  I went into Martyrs with no knowledge or warning about it at all.  I just watched it on a Saturday afternoon.  A week later, I still felt pangs of anxiety when I thought about this movie.  I woke up in the middle of the night, cringing from the thought of an image from this movie.

I bought the DVD at Best Buy a few months later.  I wanted to support the director and his brilliant vision.  However, the plastic wrap stayed on that DVD for a long time, and it was months before I could bring myself to watch it again. 

Martyrs is a haunting and disturbing, yet incredible movie, that leaves an impact more than any other movie I've ever seen.  If you haven't seen this one yet, it's a must for serious horror fans.  Also, you have to see the original before they royally fuck up a remake by including Kristen Stewart.  Ugh.

Random: 30 Day Horror Challenge Day 17

What is your favorite horror film remake?

Please note that it did not say you have to like the remake better than the original.  Which I don't.  This one was sort of a toss-up.  I love Rob Zombie's Halloween (although not better than the original) and I also love the Hills Have Eyes remake.  But I just thought The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was a good freakin' movie.

I remember when this movie first came out and I was like Jessica Biel in a horror movie?  Blahhhh.   But this movie had lots of fun elements that were lacking in the original.  They smartly got rid of the insufferable Franklin, brought in a super scary sheriff, added more blood and gore, and tore the fucking face off the hitchhiker plot.  Although lacking the creepiness of the original, this is definitely a solid remake.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Random: 30 Day Horror Challenge Day 16

What's your favorite childhood themed horror movie?

This one is hard.  I wish it was about favorite movies involving creepy children, of which I have many.   But childhood themed?  I'm going with Child's Play.

Didn't we all have a favorite doll or stuffed animal?  I had Aubrey Baby, which was a doll my mom found in the clearance bin at Macy's when I was a toddler.  I cuddled with her for most of my childhood, and she sat on a shelf in my room when I was a teenager.  But we also had creepy dolls that inhabited our residence.  My mom was convinced that Mrs. Beasley was a lovable antique, but my sister and I were terrified of it.

Chucky from Child's Play is reminiscent of "Big Brother" and "Big Sister" from the 80s.  I never had one because that shit scared me.  I already had my little sister following me around.  I didn't need a life sized version sleeping in my room.  This movie had so many fun things about it.  The Chucky effects were great, especially for the 80s, and Andy was so well-cast.  This flick went on to spawn several sequels, some of which were pretty good.

Random: 30 Day Horror Challenge Day 15

What is your favorite movie involving serial killers?

It's hard for me to explain how much I love Juliette Lewis.   I find her to be an incredibly underrated actress.  Sure, she's played her share of trailer trash roles, but she was downright brilliant in The Other Sister.  

Another movie she was fucking amazing in?  Natural Born Killers.  I love this movie.  I love everything about it.  It's such a mindfuck roller coaster ride the whole way.  Maybe it isn't conventional horror, but when I think serial killers, I think Mickey and Mallory. 

There is SO much controversy surrounding this movie....mostly due to the fact that several psychos actually murdered people after watching this movie.  The Wikipedia page on this flick will keep you busy for a while.

You want a fun Friday night on the couch?  Get NBK on Blu-Ray and a bottle of wine (or whatever mind altering substances float your boat) and just surrender to the chaos ;)

Random: 30 Day Horror Challenge Day 14

What is your favorite zombie movie?

I can't believe I'm going to admit this right here on my blog, but I am not a zombie purist.  I....oh my god it's so hard to say....don't really love Romero-esque zombie movies.  I understand the man is the pioneer of zombies, and I respect that.  But I just can't get into the flicks as much as the newer ones.

Honestly, this choice came down to the remake of Dawn of the Dead (I know, burn me at the stake) but I just really love 28 Days Later.  The fast zombies are scary and the forgotten wasteland of London is harrowing and creepy.  This movie had a great storyline and characters, and I even liked 28 Weeks Later.  Now I hear we're getting 28 Months Later and I'm pretty sure it will rock hardcore.

Random: 30 Day Horror Challenge Day 13

What is your favorite horror comedy?

I was always a pretty big fan of Shaun of the Dead but then Zombieland came along and stole my cold and wicked little heart.  Even my dad liked this movie and he hates blood.

The story was so fun, and the casting brilliant.  I think Emma Stone is the hottest chick in the game right now, and for some reason, I have a ridiculous crush on Woody Harrelson. (I blame Natural Born Killers)  Also, Bill Murray?  Abigail Breslin?  Awesome.

They say Zombieland 2 is coming and I couldn't be more excited.  Bring it on!

Random: 30 Day Horror Challenge Day 12

What is your favorite movie involving the occult?

The first thing that came to mind was The Craft but I'm pretty sure that's not horror.  Also, may have been a major cop out on my part ;)

There's nothing us horror geeks love better than to prove the mainstream wrong.  When yet another remake of a classic comes out, I turn into a curmudgeonly version of myself, all but yelling at kids to get off of my lawn.

When I saw the marketing campaign for Paranormal Activity, I did think the idea was pretty brilliant.  But damned if I was going to be scared by some Blair Witch ripoff while surrounded by a bunch of squealing high school kids.

I finally agreed to go with my friend on a drizzly Friday night in Manhattan.  The theater was freakin' packed and I was hating this movie before the previews even started.  But then shit changed.  When Katie stood by the bed watching Micah sleep, my cynical exterior had cracked, and I was in love.  More than in love.  I was scared.

It takes me a long time to conjure up movies that really scared me.  Paranormal Activity was one of them.  So many genius and simple things came together to make this movie such a little gem.  If you rent it at home, watch it with the lights off and the sound way up.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Random: 30 Day Horror Challenge Day 11

What's your favorite science fiction horror movie?

I've never been a huge science fiction fan, but for some reason Fortress came to mind as soon as I read this question.  I actually keenly remember exactly why I first watched this movie.  My sister and I are obsessed with the HBO version of Fortress and back in the 90s, we used to check the back of the TV Guide every week to see if it was going to be on.

One magical week, we jumped for joy as we saw Fortress listed in the movie section.  We claimed the TV for the airing time, fingers poised above the VCR record button.  We were highly disappointed to see that the movie was about some futuristic jail and not masked kidnappers.  However, we had already put so much effort into this debacle that we ended up watching the whole thing.

This movie is pretty cheesy and lame, but go on and hate.  It's got Christopher Lambert, the dad from That 70's Show and people puking up crazy stomach chips.  Also there are robots and computers that watch people have sex, and a mind eraser machine a la The Clockwork Orange.  My sister always had a crush on the guy who played Gomez.  She should friend him on Facebook ;)

Random: 30 Day Horror Challenge Day 10

Today's question: What's your favorite psychological horror movie?

My husband doesn't like horror movies.  In terms of our separate interests, he has golf and I have blood and guts on screen.  The difference being, however, that he can't make me watch golf.  But I've made him sit through countless hours of horrendous crap where he's been truly scared of a handful of movies.  One of these is Frailty (it seems to be that dudes are terrified of this movie) and Inside.

I'm sitting on the couch writing this, while the hubs works on lesson plans.  I'm sort of doing this 30 day challenge like those word association tests where you just say the first thing that comes to mind.  When I saw this question, I was thinking Inside, but I asked him just to see what he would say.  The answer? Inside.

This was not a well-known movie, but this shit freaked me out man.  There was just something about it...the creepiness of the mom, the element of being trapped, that scene where they made him watch the movie.  Ughhhh, it's just getting me all shivery just thinking about it. 

There was very little blood and gore in this one (unless you count broken legs) but enough mindfuckedness to make you lose some sleep at night.

Random: 30 Day Horror Challenge Day 9

Sorry, dudes.  I've fallen a little behind on the 30 Day Challenge.  My mom was visiting for the last five days, and in between chatting about my sister's wedding and watching Burlesque (I know, I know) it was hard to find a few minutes to talk all things bloody and disgusting.

But I'm back to catch up.  Today's question: What is your favorite grindhouse/exploitation film?

It's hard to tell what these terms even mean.  I watched this whole freakin' documentary on grindhouse movies and even THEY couldn't decide on what it means.  But Wikipedia's exploitation entry characterizes I Spit on Your Grave as exploitation, so I'm going with it.

I guess it's hard to say that I love, or even like this movie.  It's a brutal film, with a depiction of rape unrivaled in subsequent flicks, horror or otherwise.  But I think it's an important film with a lot of impact.  And I'm in the controversial camp that it's a feminist film and not the other way around.

I just think the male characters in this movie are so incredibly interesting in terms of a horror movie.  Not only are they people who are violent, sexually perverted, and clearly psychotic, but they are so deranged that they truly that aggressively raping and beating a woman was so pleasurable to her that she would want to come back for more.  The brutality of her revenge is so nasty and thrilling....they just don't make 'em like the 70s anymore.

Movie News: Rob Zombie releases an image from The Lords of Salem

....and I stifle a yawn.  This sort of reminds me of Hollow Man when Kevin Bacon puts the clothes and mask and stuff on so he can go outside.  Also, what the fuck does this picture have to do with anything.

With the release of this photo, we get no additional info on the plot or casting, although Zombie's twitter feed says that he's been busy scouting locations.  IMDB still lists the only cast member as Sheri Moon Zombie [shakes fist] but apparently filming begins this May in Massachusetts.

Stay tuned.