Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Red Hook (2009)

I often watch movies claiming to be about New York City, just to see if they're even vaguely accurate.  Being a hardcore NYC-dweller, I can spot missteps in a second, then becoming completely distracted from the movie.  I'm taking "Red Hook" to mean Red Hook, Brooklyn.  Red Hook is a South Brooklyn neighborhood near the water, which now has an Ikea!  It also has the Red Hook ball fields and Red Hook Lobster.  And that's about all I know about it because I don't travel to the neighborhood that much.

It does amuse me that in the IMDB synopsis, they refer to NYU as "The University of New York City."  Lame.  Oh, they also wear sweatshirts that say as much!  LoL.  Guess they couldn't get likeness rights for for NYU.  Now I can't be the judge of what NYU buildings look like, so I'll stop being judgey for a little while.

Red Hook is about a girl (Jenny) who watched her sister be brutally murdered in her hometown in North Carolina when she was 8 years old.  Ten years later, she takes off for college in New York City.  However, she's agoraphobic and seemingly afraid of everything, especially her showtune-crazed roommate (Angela).  But quickly enough, Jenny finds a cute little boytoy (Gavin) to explore downtown with.  They even sit on a roof and go to a real live bodega.  Maybe this is more accurate than I think.  There's a lot of Sarah McLachlan-ish music which gives me a headache and I try to ignore it.

What is random and weird is the strange cuts of various NYC shots in between scenes.  You know, American flags, bridges, subways, Two Boots pizza.  I really hope they show rats and cockroaches, an important part of NYC culture.  The most annoying RA on the planet (Tim) keeps bothering everyone to join this "scavenger hunt" to do some floor bonding.  He even promises non-existent White Stripes tickets.  They're all supposed to get text message clues and rush around the city solving them.  Not a bad way to spend a day.

Poor Jenny's partner Gavin stands her up at the scavenger hunt and she is devastated.  Tim continues to encourage her to play the game, claiming that the cryptic text messages she is receiving are all about the hunt.  Meanwhile, the others continue to run around, still with the prize in their sights.  They keep getting picked off one by one, but who is the killer?

This movie wasn't as horrible as the reviews seemed to suggest, and it managed to hold my interest for 85 minutes.  The kills weren't that great, and the reveal of the killer was pretty meh, but there's worse things out there right now that you could watch.  But I'm proud to report that it's pretty NYC-accurate!  I even saw a Duane Reade!

Monday, November 28, 2011

The Amityville Horror (1979)

I'm fascinated by the story behind The Amityville Horror, and if it actually is all a hoax, I guess you could say that the Lutzes have one hell of an imagination.  I always liked the remake of the movie, and was embarrassed to admit I've actually never seen the original.  The DVD was on sale for $5, and I had a long train ride back to NYC with spotty wifi.  Perfect opportunity to check out this classic.

In Amityville, Long Island, New York, the Lutzes are looking for a new house.  They are a blended family on a budget, and are intrigued at a huge house being offered at a bargain basement price.  The only catch?  Recently, Ronald DeFeo murdered his entire family in cold blood in the house.  George Lutz (James Brolin) insists that houses don't have memories, and that they should snap up this incredible offer.  His new wife, Kathy Lutz (Margot Kidder) agrees.

The Lutzes move into the house, and immediately start experiencing strange phenomena.  Cold drafts come out of nowhere, doors open and close on their own, and every religious person that shows up leaves puking their guts out.  What starts out as minor escalates quite quickly.  Their daughter, Amy, adopts a strange imaginary friend.  George Lutz's health and mental state rapidly deteriorates as the house begins to consume him.

One thing I immediately noticed as different from the remake is that jump-scares didn't really exist in the 70s, and maybe for the better.  The original Amityville Horror relies on a slow buildup and subtle scares to get the message across.  The evolution of George Lutz's character is most believable, and well-played by James Brolin.  Margot Kidder, while all kinds of 70s gorgeous, doesn't really seem to change much throughout the movie, which throws things off a little.
Of course, controversy surrounded the Amityville story and the film.  Both Kidder and Brolin went on record saying that although they met the Lutzes, they did not believe their story.  The studio made up stories of strange occurrences on set, in order to entice viewers.  In it's time, The Amityville Horror was one of the highest grossing independent films of all time.  It's a solid flick, and a little part of me would love to believe that the story is real.

Savage County (2010)

An MTV horror movie and not a vampire to be found?  I'll take it.  This movie desperately wants to be House of 1000 Corpses, even going so far as to have an extremely Otis Driftwood-like character (see left).  We begin the movie by letting everyone know that murder isn't new to this backwoods clan, and that they delight in tying up women and killing them slowly.

So for the premise?  Basically, there's a group of high school kids throwing a "party" over the weekend.  Somehow they have access to a house that's under construction, and a random area near a lake.  They use the house as their home base for partying, traveling over to the lake area for drinking and swimming.  Every stereotype is represented, from the Mc-Lovin type nerd to the sassy valedictorian to the cookie-cutter goth, to the Reggie Bush-looking football star.

As it so turns out, by their swimming spot is right near an infamous house full of homicidal hillbillies.  They taunt the banjo players, eventually enticing one of them to come out and attack the weakling of the group.  The quintessential sexy black football player fights back, killing the old hillbilly.  And we're in trouble I Know What You Did Last Summer-style. 

All the characters in this movie are pretty much insufferable.  They take annoying and self-absorbed teenagers to the next level.  I mean sure, they drink, get pregnant, and wear stupid clothes, but that's to be expected.  But throw in webcams and hipster music, and teenagers are even harder to deal with than usual.  The movie is pretty predictable, going back and forth between videotaped segments of tied-up high schoolers, to a cutesy grounded girl doing a vlog/DJing thing.  Naturally, the sheriff doesn't help, but only covers up the actions of the murderers. 

This wasn't completely unwatchable, but it was pretty regurgitated.  They were really scraping the bottom of the barrel for teen talent, as most of the actors could barely do their lines with any sort of believability.  You could say they made the best of their $250K budget, but I'm glad this didn't become the ongoing series it was intended to be. 

The Walking Dead Season 2 Episode 7

So for some reason I totally missed the memo that The Walking Dead is going to be on hiatus until February.  Seriously, February??  I don't usually get too attached to shows, but I'm going to miss this nonsense on Sunday nights.

As previewed last week, Rick is begging Herschel to the point of embarrassment.  At this point, why don't they just take over the farm?  I mean I understand they're trying to be nice and considerate, but these are a house-full of people that have never killed a zombie or left the little bubble of their precious farm.  They are totally useless.  Glenn, unable to keep the secret any longer, tells the group about the barn zombies.  This infuriates Maggie, who cracks an egg on his head.  Waste of an egg if you ask me.

Darryl recovers from his injuries incredibly quickly and sets out to look for Sophia.  However, even her mom is losing hope at this point that girlfriend is going to be found alive, if at all.  This frustrates Darryl.  Andrea has done a complete 180 and is now the most helpful of the bunch, sharpening knives, mastering weapons and volunteering for everything.  She's just about to set off with Rick when they are interrupted by Herschel, who needs help.
Rick takes off with Herschel.  Oh, Herschel.  You have seriously lost your shit.  Apparently when zombies come wandering around the farm, they capture them like stray dogs instead of shooting them.  Much time is spent rounding up the two zombies and herding them back towards the barn.

This episode brings the firestorm we've all been waiting for.  Dale incites Shane by taking the guns and hiding them.  Shane has other plans, looking to arm the group and stage a rebellion.  Dale threatens to shoot Shane, which we all know he doesn't have the balls to do.  The entire group spots Rick and Herschel wrangling zombies and this is the last straw for their fragile community.  Challenging Herschel's claim that they are just "sick people," Shane shoots a zombie repeatedly (not in the head) and the thing just keeps on coming.  Why, Herschel, could you say these things were sick if they could keep lunging at you after being pumped full of bullets?!

Herschel says "that's enough."  Shane agrees, and puts a bullet in the zombie's head.  He breaks down the door to the barn, and the zombie-killing group stands like a firing squad as the zombies exit en masse.  Herschel watches in shock as they gun down all of his family and friends.  However, in the background, Maggie encourages Glenn to shoot.  There's mostly silence after the shooting, but we hear a small moan.  One more zombie left?  Yep, and no other than Sophia herself.  Some said this was predictable, but I found it to be pretty surprising.  The emotions were covered very well, as most of the group stands like a deer in headlights, or breaks down hysterically.  Rick challenges Shane's claim that he's getting soft by marching right towards Sophia and ending her life. 

And now we can think on that for the next two months.  Great mid-season finale.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Final Destination 2 (2003)

Random fact time.  I have not operated a vehicle in over 6 years.  When I moved to New York City, I sold my car and never looked back.  Although I was a good driver, I never particularly liked driving.  It was always a chore to me, and hearing "road trip" makes me want to puke.  How being trapped in a metal death machine, surrounded by idiot drivers for endless hours makes me want to kill myself.

So we all probably know the formula for the Final Destination movies.  Someone predicts a horrific event sometime in the future, just in time to avoid it.  However, death doesn't like being cheated, and comes after the survivors of the aforementioned events.  In Final Destination, a kid predicted that a plane would go down and got off of it.  The plane crashed, and he and the others who got off the plane all later died in mysterious ways, except for Clear Rivers (Ali Larter).  In Final Destination 2, some moron teenagers are taking a road trip.  The driver, Kimberley, predicts a horrific pileup and blocks traffic to avoid it.  The accident happens, but she and others survive.

Of course, death can't let you get away with it, and it starts picking off the accident survivors one by one.  Kimberley visits Clear Rivers in the mental institution, but she is not much help.  She's only worried about keeping herself alive, not others.   The deaths in the Final Destination movies are always so awesome and well-orchestrated.

In a strange turn of events, Clear Rivers abandons her plan of surviving in the mental institution to go visit Mr. Bludworth (Tony Todd).  He gives vague information, and the survivors meet together to determine what to do next.  They're particularly focused on a pregnant woman, who they believe will give birth and save them all....if they can make it that long.

Much like Saw, the Final Destination series is a dependable, albeit predictable, set of movies.  The death scenes are always awesome, and you really can't knock the formula.  They always snag hottie up-and-coming actors, and the series has truly been a staple of the 2000s.

American Horror Story Season 1 Episode 8

The identity of the Rubberman will be revealed this week!  Wooohooo.  In a flashback, we're reminded of that time Vivien banged the Rubber Man, thinking it was her husband.  Seriously, do you not know what your husband's eyes look like?  Come on.  Of course now we know that coupling resulted in the demon seed she currently carries in her womb.  Holy crap, the Rubber Man is Tate!!!  I thought he couldn't get it up with Violet though.  But apparently he can impregnate Vivien?!?!  Can't wait to see how this goes.

We're back to the gay couple.  After finding out that Patrick is frequenting S&M message boards, Chad buys the rubber suit to try to entice him sexually.  He is rejected, and devastated to learn that Patrick is aware they are hemorrhaging money on a house that he has grown to hate.

Hayden is consoling Nora, making her feel better by saying that they could steal Vivien's twins after they are born, and split them so they each get one.  That's fair.  It appears that Hayden plans on making Vivien crazy enough to be sent to a mental institution.  Seems she's pretty close anyway.

Moira is on Vivien's side and encourages her to get out of the house.  She attempts to take Violet and leave, but to no avail.   They run into the home invaders and rush back inside.  Apparently Tate was lying about his penis abilities that night at the beach, because he and Violet bang.  It's her first time, but she claims it didn't hurt.  Maybe he has a small one.  Vivien and Ben scream a lot at each other.  She's becoming sort of unlikeable.  I'm just having a hard time feeling for her situation.

Hayden has become a super-whore after death.  She's banging ghosts left and right.  She even tries to seduce Tate.  LoL.  Marcy the real estate agent is certifiable.  Vivien is seriously losing her shit, and Ben stops ignoring it.  When she tries to shoot him, he brings in the men in the white coats, and Vivien is off to the mental ward!

Next week?  Constance confronts Tate, there's lots more banging, and too much talk about the Pope!  Looking forward to it.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Seed of Chucky (2004)

The 80s seemed to be a time when we, as a culture, were quite afraid of dolls.  From this fear sprung many movies, including Child's Play.  But Chucky the doll just will not die, and Seed of Chucky is the fifth installment in the series, featuring his offspring, which was born at the end of Bride of Chucky.

Clearly this series isn't taking itself seriously anymore, which only makes it more fun for the rest of us.  Jennifer Tilly is as campy as ever, playing herself as well as voicing Tiffany, and Brad Dourif, as usual, returns for Chucky.  Their child is a skinny, strange looking hybrid who is working as a ventriloquist dummy and mourning his life as an orphan.  When he sees Chucky and Tiffany on television, filming a movie about the real-life murders, he takes off for L.A. to find his parents.

When he (she?) reunites with Chucky and Tiffany, he begs them to stop killing.  Tiffany considers this, but Chucky has no interest.  Meanwhile, uninterested in becoming pregnant again, but desiring another child, Tiffany impregnates Jennifer Tilly with Chucky's sperm.  Their child, Glen/Glenda experiences gender confusion, as neither parent can agree on what sex he/she is.  Tiffany gives birth to Chucky's children, and Chucky and Tiffany ready some bodies so that they can become human again.  But has Chucky learned to love his doll form a little too much?

This movie is unbelievably cheesy and silly, but it's also fun to watch.  Jennifer Tilly always cracks me up, and the dolls look more realistic than ever.  Chucky's one-liners are still funny, and there are some pretty fun kills throughout the flick.  Clearly if you're watching the fifth installment of the Chucky series, you know what you're getting into, so enjoy the campiness of it all.

Monday, November 21, 2011

The Walking Dead - Season 2: Episode 6

Zombies in the barn, zombies in the barn, hi ho the dairy o, there's zombies in the barn.  I do not appreciate The Walking Dead opening with animal cruelty this week but I'm going to let it slide.  Maggie is plying Glenn with fruit and jerky to shut up about the barn zombies.   I could think of better ways she could shut him up.  Andrea asks Darryl if there's "anything she could do to make him feel better."  Is it bad I only thought of dirty things?  I need my head checked.

Glenn is really concerned about Lori's pregnancy and says what we're all thinking -- bitch needs a hamburger.  He also calls pregnancy a medical condition, which makes me LoL.  Glenn and the one-liners this season.  Carl steals a gun and wants to know how to shoot.  He has fully recovered towards looking ridiculous in a hat.  Everyone gets gun training like they're always talking about but never doing.  Andrea, in a split second, goes from shooting Darryl in the head to sniper-level skills.  Not believable at all, but whatevs.  Shane is super sexy alpha male as he takes Andrea to "advanced target practice."  I also wish that meant something dirty, but it just means he brings up her sister's death.  Oooops.

Glenn can't keep a secret for more than 5 seconds and now Dale is on the barn zombie news.  He confronts Herchel who says that's his family in that there barn and Dale better zip his lip.  Herchel thinks zombies are people too and are not to be executed.  Glenn and Maggie take another trip to the store for a scandalous item for Lori.  Shocker.  Glenn saves Maggie from a zombie, and she's probably regretting all those nasty comments she made.

Morning-after pills?  Really Lori?  Now I'm not super well-versed on the intricacies of this particular medication, but I'm pretty sure they need to be taken the morning after having sex.  Not a month later when you regret banging your husband and his best friend within days of each other.  I'm not Dr. Scream Queen though, so I could be mistaken.  Maggie chucks the pills at Lori, gives Glenn a big smooch and tells him to stop being such a doormat aka zombie bait.  Good on you, Maggie.

Andrea and Shane go traipsing around a housing complex looking for Sophia.  They basically just find death and destruction.  And a zombie horde, which they quickly dispatch.  These two are quickly becoming the badass zombie hunters.  I like it.  Andrea looks quite pleased with herself, and in the aftermath of the zombie slaying, she grabs Shane's junk!  Yes!!!  This is now my favorite part of the episode.  Hearing Shane say "come on in" made me all squeeeee inside.  Hopefully I can keep myself calm for the remaining 7 minutes of this episode.

Lori chows all the morning after pills and then pukes them up.  Climatic.  Shame that she wasted them, since Andrea might need them to defend her womb from Shane's super sperm.  Come on, we all know Lori's baby is Shane's, right?  It's gotta be.  Like the massive douche that she is, Lori leaves all the pill packaging out for Rick to find.  Lori and Rick fight, and she reveals that she and Shane banged.  Apparently Rick already knew.  He asks if it's because she thought he was dead.  She has a seriously delayed reaction.  I hate this lady...she is the worst.  Dale and Shane are facing off and I like it.  More to come on that.

Next week on The Walking Dead: Herchel calmly drinks a Stella with his lunch and studies medical texts while others are made to live outside in tents.  Totally fair.  Rick confronts him about his skewed view on the world as it is.   He reveals Lori's pregnancy.  Herchel says they need to be out by the end of the week -- no ifs, ands, or buts.  Can't wait for Sunday night!

Saturday, November 19, 2011

American Horror Story Season 1 Episode 7

Well, well, things are certainly starting to come together on American Horror Story.  Vivien is worried about her baby....oooopppsss I mean babies!  She's having twins!  Violet is all emo and dreary and cutting herself since she learned that Tate is a ghost.  She's apparently taking it in stride though that he's a mass murderer, and continues to hang out with him.

Meanwhile, Larry (aka Krueger Jr.) is skulking around more than usual.  Why?  Oh, because he's in love with Constance.  He was leaving his wife for her when the whole unfortunate fire thing happened.  Now he's trying to buy the house with non-existent money, so that they can live happily ever after.  Constance is having none of it though.  Why would she live with this psycho when she's banging a young hottie?  Larry is notably disappointed.

Meanwhile, they have someone who is actually interested in buying the house.  He is a cocky Armenian land developer who will knock down the house and put up apartments.  However, to get Moira to give him a quick BJ, he lies and says he'll build her a heated swimming pool.  She's kind of a moron.  I still find it hilarious that all these guys are lusting over an old lady with a weird eye. 

Vivien, however, is completely obsessed with the health of her babies, and completely uninterested in her other child, Violet.  She pretty much ignores her and turns on some sex music and gets busy with her vibrator.  She tries to picture the sexy security guy, but her fantasy keeps getting interrupted by visions of her husband and the Rubberman.  Not a successful alone sexytime for her.  Oh well.

We also learn about another resident of the house, a deformed Sloth-like being living in the attic.  Apparently he's Constance's son?  My husband thinks he's the grown version of the dismembered baby that the original owners put back together, but I don't think so.  Hope I'm not proven wrong later in the season because it seems like anything can happen on this show.  Tate informs Violet that she can get rid of the ghosts by simply telling them to go away.  It's that easy? 

Constance and Moira band together to put the kibosh on the land development.  Moira uses her special skills to lure the poor guy down to the basements and whooopppss...no more condos.  Vivien's going to be awfully disappointed since she's telling everyone who will listen that the house is all but sold.  Looks like they're not going to be packing their bags anytime soon!

Previews for next week look goooooood!  Tate and Violet are naked, but didn't we find out at the beach that ghosts can't get it up?  Hayden is back, Vivien is mentally unstable, and the identity of the Rubberman is revealed!  Yipee!

The Walking Dead - Season 2: Episode 5

Man, I am getting behind on my shows lately!  A little late to be writing a Walking Dead review, but here we are.  Darryl and Shane are both getting hotter by the episode.  No complaints here.  Carol is still useless, by offering to make dinner for the family, but forcing Lori to relay the message.  WTF?  We get a flashback to when they all first met on the highway, and I am reminded by what a gigantic douche Carol's husband was.  Seriously, he was the worst and I'm glad he's dead.

Glenn is hoping for a little nookie, but Maggie is like a praying mantis.  Sleep with that chick and she will bite your head off.  She says mean things that aren't really necessary.  If she's holding out for Darryl, I think she's barking up the wrong tree.  Andrea is becoming more useful, which is nice to see.  While everyone else requires partners, Daryl hunts alone, like a boss.  This time he has a horse, and he's going to ride to the top of the ridge to see things from a panoramic view.  He's pretty much the only one making smart decisions in terms of this search.  While everyone else on this show is sort of getting progressively wussier (save for Shane), Darryl asserts himself as alpha male and ultimate badass.  He should be in charge.

Meanwhile, back at the camp, Herschel is laying down the law.  I think he's being a little more harsh than necessary.  I mean, they're people, not cattle.  Andrea is trying to contribute, but it's not going so well.  Darryl is never going to sleep with her if she shoots him.  Also, best line of the episode from Glenn, "he's wearing ears!!"

Um, wtf, Herschel?  "It's a wonder you people have survived this long?!"  They've been traipsing across the state while you've been sitting comfortably in your house.  I don't like this guy anymore.  Also, he complains about everyone gobbling up all the antibiotics.  Ummmm, I'm pretty sure they brought them, asshole.

Dinner is awkward and Glenn and Maggie are passing notes.  This makes me all squeeeee inside.  Carol brings Darryl his dinner.  If I were Andrea, I would have brought it and then offered to kiss his boo-boos and make them all better.  That's just me, though.  Of course, we're left with a major cliffhanger - why is there a barn full of zombies?!?!?!  Is anyone else thinking that guy tied up outside in 28 Days Later?  Is Herschel studying the walkers?

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Straw Dogs (1971)

I'll admit it.  1970s is about as far as I go back in terms of "classic" horror.  I don't like black and white movies and really only a few late-70s classics do it for me.  I'll also admit that I've never heard of Straw Dogs until the remake came out.  And still, every time I think about it, this song gets stuck in my head.

I had a little bit of a wait on Netflix for this, but it arrived today.  It's sort of funny to think of Dustin Hoffman as young, since my generation really first knew him from Rainman.  I don't know if he's supposed to be sexually alluring at any point in this movie, but I am not feeling it.  His wife, Amy (Susan George) on the other hand is all kind of 70s hottie.  Sort of Sharon Tate-ish,  And OMG side note -- their little cat looks exactly like my younger one!  YAY torties :) /endcrazycatlady

So David Sumner (Hoffman) is pretty much a huge douche and terrible husband throughout this entire movie.  He ignores his wife, blows it off when creepy townies gawk at her and is just generally an asshole.  The day comes when said assholes arrive when David is not home.  And here, of course, comes the most controversial part of this movie.  There's quite a strange rape scene, where Amy actually appears to enjoy the sex at some point.  Feminism aside, it is quite oddly portrayed.

She's raped again, by a different man, and quite clearly does not enjoy this experience.  She doesn't inform David about the rapes, and they proceed to the church social the next day as planned.  But when David and Amy get involved in a little accident involving the town idiot/pedophile, they get themselves into a little hot water with the locals.  They show up to break the couple's door down, and they are left to defend their home....to the death. (a little overdramatic?  Sorry.)

Unfortunately, I think over the years, our attention spans have waned, and this movie moves a little slow and blahhh for me.  Overall it's a good story, but it's also a lot of watching for not a whole lot of action.  I did love the flashbacks mingling with Amy's thoughts post-attack, but also just did not find the townspeople to be that scary or intimidating.  The standoff scene, while likely edgy for the time, sort of just plodded along in my opinion, except for a few cool moments in the end.  My verdict?  Solid story and classic movie, but maybe doesn't hold up as well as 70s revenge flicks like I Spit on Your Grave and The Last House on the Left.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

American Horror Story Season 1: Episode 6

In case we weren't sure that AHS is addressing every horrific thing EVER, now we're on a Columbine flashback.  Shit is getting realllll up in here and Tate is the killer.  I mean, were we really doubting that?  Homeboy's got issues.  By the almighty power of Google, Violet realizes the same.

Violet visits Constance and a random psychic, who explains that Tate is in a sort of limbo.  He believes he's still alive, which is actually not the truth.  Violet is reminded of a previous time with a dying person (Grandma, perhaps?) who claims to "not understand her."  We're led to believe Violet has a connection to the paranormal.   Uh, duh?

Meanwhile, Vivien caresses a belly that is far too large for how long she's been pregnant.   See a specialist, chica.  Ben is only allowed in the house for appointments, and Violet feels she's possessed by "the darkness."  Ben sees a patient who hallucinates men wearing pig masks.   Okay.  Vivien's getting an amnio and Violet's taking sleeping pills.  This all seems par for the course in this house.  Oh wait, Vivien's eating raw brains!  Even more conceivable with this family!

We get to revisit the ultrasound tech that fainted, and it so turns out that she saw the religious equivalent of the son of 1000 maniacs in Vivien's belly.   Oooopppsss!!  Vivien thinks it's craziness but we all know differently.  Violet and Tate are all lovey-dovey even though everyone knows he's dead!  WTF.  This episode sort of ended randomly, but I'm reviewing this so late that I'm super excited about tomorrow.  Come onnnnn, Rosemary's Baby!

Monday, November 14, 2011

Antibodies (2005)

Antibodies has been taunting me from my Netflix queue, with it's crazy poster art and presence of badass Norman Reedus.  I also really liked Case 39 and I've never really seen a German movie before.  However, I kept putting it off, due to its length.  But tonight, I was gearing up to make roasted butternut squash risotto (nom nom nom) and the squash had to roast for 45 minutes.  And as is the case with risotto, you have to stir it continually for another 45 minutes.  That said, I had a good opportunity to watch this movie without planting my butt on the couch for over 2 hours.

Sadly, Norman Reedus is actually in very little of this movie.  He's in the first fifteen minutes or so, and then mysteriously in a coma for the next two hours, never to be seen again.  I thought that being in this movie must mean he speaks German, but he actually barely speaks in the entire movie.  Bummer.

Antibodies is about a prolific serial killer, Gabriel Engel, who is finally captured by police.  In a very Silence of the Lambs-esque story, Engel refuses to talk to most of his questioners, but he finds himself incredibly interested in a young rural cop.  Said cop, Michael, is investigating the death of a young girl in his town.  However, since Engel's motives have mostly involved young boys, they only have a small reason to believe he killed the girl.  In a quid pro quo type of relationship, Engel reveals details of past killings in exchange for personal information about Michael's life.

Meanwhile, Michael himself begins to unravel while investigating the case.  The previously devout Christian and family man discovers deeper and darker desires within himself.  Are the interviews with Engel having an effect, or is evil truly contagious?

What did I learn about Germany from this movie?  It seems that a lot of people use "jerk off" as an insult, and also talk a lot about jerking off.  Also, there seems to be copious amounts of sex on German television.  Cops go to strip clubs, and random ladies that work at suit stores will have butt sex with you after you stalk them.  /end generalizations.

This movie was really interesting, and had a great story and acting.  It's definitely one of those movies for a rainy afternoon, because sticking with it for over 2 hours takes some commitment.  But it was a compelling plot with various twists and turns, and good character development.  Definitely one to see if you like Silence of the Lambs.  They even give a couple little nods to the flick, with Hannibal Lecter mentioned, and a lamb involved in a crucial scene.  Available on Netflix instant, with subtitles that are readable!  Yay!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

The Lost Boys (1987)

Let's all take a moment and bow down to the original teenage vampire movie.  Before Twilight and True Blood, there was The Lost Boys.  The Brat Pack of horror movies, the two Coreys and Keifer Sutherland fuckin' killed it, man.  I can't believe I've never reviewed this movie, since it meant so much to my childhood and lifetime love of horror movies.  I'm gushing, excuse me.

Michael (Jason Patric) and Sam (Corey Haim) move to a seaside California town with their mom.  Corey Haim is in an almost heartbreaking prime in this movie...sad to think that he's overdosed recently.  The boys quickly realize that this is the "murder capital of the world" and they're eager to find out why.

They quickly discover that there are vampires everywhere, including the incredibly foxy Keifer Sutherland.  The vampires have clearly taken over the town and the kids are intent on saving it.  They are trying to bring others into the vampire world, but not always willingly.  While Michael gets involved with the wrong end of the bloodsuckers, Sam partners with the Frog Brothers (Corey Feldman and Jamison Newlander) to battle the vampire community of Santa Carla.

G'head and judge but Corey Feldman is an incredible actor.  I met him once on a panel.  It was clear that although he enjoyed acting, he felt forced into it by his parents.  I don't think anyone could watch Stand By Me and not think the kid has talent.  Judgments aside.  My cynical heart melts a bit for the two Coreys in this movie. The location in this movie is perfect.   There's no better way to represent a sort of trashy, vaguely Jersey Shore-ish California town.   Everyone is so perfectly 80s that it makes me (dramatically) ache for a simpler time full of lace and skin-tight acid washed jeans.  The vampires are realistic and actually scary, not sparkly. 

Wicked Little Things (2006)

When this movie first started, I was all ughhhhhh boring historical stuff.  Then I was all squeeeeeee Chloe Moretz is so freakin' cute!  Soooo, par for the course.  Wicked Little Things is about a widow, Karen (Lori Heuring) and her two children, Sarah (Scout Taylor-Compton) and Emma (Chloe Moretz) who move to the woods of Pennsylvania after their husband/father's death.  This would seem completely bizarre except for the fact that apparently it's a family house that's all paid for and such.  Free house = good times.  I mean, I probably would have made a cautionary visit to the house before bringing my freakin' kids here to live permanently, but maybe that's just me.  This movie's barely started and I've already decided the mom is a dipshit.

Blah blah blah, no electricity and water, and holy crap, it's Roy Sullivan from The Devil's Rejects!  All the pipes need to be replaced and this basically seems to be The Money Pit of horror movies.  The family soon discovers that they live near an old mine where a bunch of kids were killed in a cave-in.  But wait, they're still somewhat alive, and are actually zombies.  Oooooppps.  Child zombies = teh awesome!!  Just when I was missing The Walking Dead!

You can say what you want about Scout Taylor-Compton and her movie choices, but gottttdammmn girl's gotta set of lungs on her.  She'll never be short on work in the horror film industry.  Cinematography is this flick is gorgeous, and, having been to the Poconos, I actually thought it was filmed in the state of Pennsylvania.  But like several horror movies as of late, Wicked Little Things was filmed in Bulgaria!

The kid zombies are creepy, but fairly slow-moving and not scary.  This movie drags out for longer than I would have hoped for....there's a lot of standing around and speculating when I would have liked some axes to the head.  However, there is some great acting here and it's certainly not a lost cause.  Worth a look if you like creepy-ass zombies, and c'mon, who doesn't?

Victim (2010)

With so many movies on my instant queue, browsing and reading the blurbs is getting ridiculously time-consuming.  I've started just choosing movies at random, with the hopes that someday I'll be able to make even a bit of a dent in the list.  The cover art for Victim looked cool, and I'm pretty overdue for a good torture flick.  Plus, IFC has been putting out some pretty good stuff lately, so I thought this one would be worth a try. 

Victim is about a nameless police officer, who, after a happy hour, is kidnapped by a deranged surgeon and his beefy assistant.  They keep him in a sparse dungeon, while periodically physically and psychologically torturing him.  There seems to be no clear motive, as they don't torture him close to death, or attempt to kill him at all.  The doctor's motive, crazy as it is, is eventually revealed, but I wouldn't want to give away the little bits and pieces of the movie ;)

This movie was short, brutal and seriously creepy.  Through all the pain and torture, it does all come together in the end.  I wondered for a while if the "victim" was faking it, just because the whole thing was so bizarre and it was hard to tell.  This flick was really unlike any movie I've seen -- it's sort of Martyrs meets Hard Candy sort of with Dogtooth.  This movie spooked me, but was also very hard to explain.  I would say it's definitely worth a watch.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

To Let (2006)

I had a little over an hour to kill tonight, and To Let was the perfect movie to fill that time.  Clocking in at a mere 68 minutes, it could barely be considered a full-length movie.  To Let (Para entrar a vivar) is about a couple, Clara and Mario, who need an apartment in a hurry.  Apparently, they sold their apartment, and if they don't find a new place in 15 days, they'll have nowhere to live.  The other catch?  Clara is pregnant, although not showing yet.

They receive an advertisement in their mailbox, displaying an apartment that seems to good to be true.  Usually you should take this as a clue to stay far, far away, but Mario insists on checking out the place.  They take the long drive, during which Clara falls asleep.  Upon arrival, it's obvious that something is a little off about the building, and the creepy real estate agent.  When entering the apartment, they notice that some of their possessions are already there.  Once they realize that the landlord is not going to give them a choice about moving in, it's already too late.

Being an apartment-dweller myself, I found the concept of this movie intriguing.   A failed, psychotic landlord who wants to fill her building with perfect tenants.  Sort of Psycho meets Pacific Heights.  The short length of this movie made it exciting and fast-paced, and the landlord was awesome at playing someone who is seriously deranged.  The blood and guts were effective, from the toaster to the head to shredded hand in the garbage disposal.  Not a bad way to spend an hour.

The Walking Dead Season 2 Episode 4 (2011)

Lottttaaaa stuff going on in this week's episode of The Walking Dead, aptly titled "Cherokee Rose."  Herchel warns the group that their time on the farm is limited, and that once Carl is up and about and Sophia is recovered, he expects that they'll mosey on down the road.  That's unfortunate. 

The gang is trying to help out around the farm, which mostly seems to consist of piling rocks on Otis's grave, and pumping water out of a well.  Otis's "funeral" is sort of ridiculous, as Shane makes up stories about his heroism, when we all know that he shot his fat ass and left him for a zombie snack.

Dale and T-Dog make amends and cast aside all that nonsense that T-Dog was spouting when running a high fever.  Dale proves that he's gotten past it, by narrowly saving him from drinking zombie-infested water.  What happened, you may ask?  Apparently a weird bloated zombie fell in the well.  They send down some ham on a hook, but decide that live bait would be more effective.  Of course, poor Glen is volunteered for the job, and predictably, the rope breaks, leaving Glen in a precarious situation.  All of this work was so that they could take the zombie out in one piece, therefore purifying the water.  Um, what?  The zombie was already IN the water.  Can you boil zombie germs out of water?  This whole idea was so incredibly stupid.  The zombie gets broken into pieces anyway and that well is done.  If Glen died over this, I would have had to smack a bitch.

Meanwhile, the search for Sophia resumes.  Seriously this plot point has been going on for wayyyy too long.  This stupid girl wandered off three episodes ago.  Let it go people.  But instead, they leave a note and food on the car, leaving Darryl to once again attempt to save the day.  As per usual, Carol just cries and whines instead of actually helping.  While hunting the wandering moron, Darryl finds evidence that she's alive.  Seriously, how quickly does this chick move?  Apparently she's within like a 2 mile radius, but an entire group of people can't find her.  WTF?  However, Darryl is becoming my favorite person on this show, and he also keeps getting exponentially hotter.  Yay, Darryl.

Meanwhile, Rick assigns Glen and Maggie to go into town.  I am starting to like Rick more and I think he knows about Glen's crush and is trying to hook a brother up.  Good on you, Rick.  Lori gives Glen a special item to pick up for her in the "feminine hygiene aisle."  I gross my husband out by insisting she has a yeast infection.  I will be proven incorrect.  Glen snatches the special item, but is also busted by Maggie when he grabs some condoms.  LoL!  But maybe not so busted after all, because Maggie is totally DTF.  YES!  We need more lovin' on this show.  However, afterwards, she dashes Glen's hopes by saying it's a one-time thing.  I wouldn't speak so soon, lady, as your options are looking a little limited.

Lori's secret item is a pregnancy test.  MWAHAAHAHAA.  There's no Maury show in the zombie apocalypse, and she's never going to know who the Daddy is.  Also, this gets me to thinking about the results of any banging on this show.  Clearly no one left the house with their birth control pills, and I'm going to doubt anyone is packing too many condoms.  So babies of the apocalypse may be the result.  Hmmmmm.

Ending the show on a sentimental note, Darryl brings Carol a "Cherokee Rose" and tells a sad story about them blooming from the tears of sad mothers.  Maybe this will spur Carol to actually assist in the search of her daughter?  Doubtful.  Darryl is now my favorite person on this show, with Shane a close second, if only for sexiness.  I still love Rick, however secretly hope he cheats on Lori, because I just can't stand her and I think she's going to try and play both Rick and Shane for fools.  I mean what was with that "stay" comment?  Just pick a man and commit to him, you vindictive bitch.  Ugh.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Scary Movie (2000)

The Scary Movie sequels have been playing nonstop on Comedy Central lately, and it has made me realize that I forgot how much I loved the original Scary Movie.  At the time, a horror-comedy spoof was such a novel concept, and of course, it's been done into the ground over the last decade.   Anna Faris is an incredible female comedian with perfect timing and never fails to crack me up.

I remember seeing this flick when it first came out, at the movie theater with about a dozen friends from work.  This came out in 2000, so I was 17 at the time, and this was the most scandalous thing out there.  When the gym teacher's balls fell out of her (his?) panties, we all screamed and nearly fell out of our seats.  For the time, this was really pushing the envelope.

Scary Movie is a hysterical parody, utilizing plenty of toilet humor, a good amount of sex, and just some good old blood and gore.  It basically follows the premise of Scream combined with I Know What You Did Last Summer, with some other movies thrown in.    From what I can count, Scary Movie makes fun of Scream, Dawson's Creek, I Know What You Did Last Summer, Blair Witch Project, The Sixth Sense, Crouching Tiger/Hidden Dragon, and that WASSSSUUUPPPP Bud Light commercial.

The comedy is on-point, and most of the actors are perfect for the roles.  The Brenda/Ray dynamic never fails to crack me up, especially when he has her put all the football gear on and tackle him.  Anna Faris is hilarious as usual, with her boyfriend Bobby (Jon Abrahams) bearing a fairly close resemblance to Skeet Ulrich.  I always love seeing Shannon Elizabeth, and Carmen Electra replaces Drew Barrymore's iconic cameo.    Unfortunately, Scary Movie is not as fresh and controversial as it was ten years ago, but it is still a really fun flick.   It's on instant Netflix, so worth a (drunken) watch.  Enjoy.

Somebody Help Me 2 (2010)

Was there really that much of a demand for a sequel after Somebody Help Me? The survivors of the first movie (Marques Houston and Omarion, naturally) are trying to get on with their lives.  Brendan (Marques Houston) is living happily with his wife and niece, while Darryl (Omarion) is working as a security guard, and has a pretty cute girlfriend himself.

Plagued by dreams of their incident in the woods, Brenden and Darryl fear a repeat performance.  Unfortunately, this is in the cards, as Brendan's wife Michelle and their niece TeeTee get kidnapped by, presumably, the same man who stalked them in the woods years back.  Meanwhile, Darryl's slutty girlfriend Jasmine takes this opportunity to try to break up Brendan's marriage as he grieves over the assumed kidnapping.

There's some sort of concurrent story about a girl named Samantha who is bleeding from the eyes and singing Ring Around the Rosy.   Um, okay.  There's also another guy captured there that we don't get much background on.  Everyone is tied up and doing lots of complaining and screaming.  There's lots of running around and trying to escape, and getting no signals from cell phones.  The killer from the original movie, Corbin, is back and Jasmine may not be who she seems.

There was clearly no reason for a sequel to Somebody Help Me, and this movie was predictably boring.   I feel that the producers were trying to make an African-American based Scream or I Know What You Did Last Summer franchise, but unfortunately the formula is just not working.  Sorry, guys.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

BreadCrumbs (2011)

When a normal person scans through their 225-strong Netflix instant queue, they probably look for movies that skew towards 4 or even 5 stars.  But God knows this blog doesn't get hits from Oscar contenders, so I tend to stray more towards the lowbrow stuff.

BreadCrumbs gets a pathetic 3.2 on IMDB, but I typically take that in stride because I give higher ratings to horror movies than most mainstream viewers would.  Plus, what's not to like about a bunch of porn stars making a movie in the middle of the woods?  While creepy children stalk them?  Sounds like an even lower budget Suicide Girls Must Die with a little Ils thrown in?  Probably wishful thinking.

I've never seen porn stars that look like such every day people, or teenagers that act like such first graders.  This movie is odd right from the start, so I hope for it to be wonderfully campy instead of just plain horrible.  Anyway, everyone's getting drunk in this house, except for the mom-figure who is quitting cigs and booze and making one last flick before she gets out of the game.  They see the creepy kids lurking around the house a couple times, but just continue to get their drink on and try on outfits for the next day's shoot.

Finally, porn time comes and the movie-making is on.  However, right in the middle of the money shot, the creepy boy appears in the window.  Buzz. Kill.  The mom of the group seems determined to "save" these kids, which will surely only end in her demise.  The remainder of the movie is adults versus kids as the slow-looking hick and cat-eyed redhead chase the group around the house and through the woods.  

This movie wasn't the worst movie I've ever seen, but it wasn't that good either.  There were some creepy parts and some decent gore, but overall, just meh.  And anyone looking for lots of T&A, look elsewhere.  There's basically only one boob shot, even though the movie is supposed to be about porn.  False advertising.  Oh well.

Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989)

Halloween 5 aka when Michael Learns to Use Farm Equipment.  It's a year after the events of Halloween 4 and Jamie is mute and confined at the Haddonfield Children's Hospital.  Why do these people continue to live in Haddonfield?  Like seriously this town is totally cursed, and is absolutely the only place that Michael Myers ever visits.  I mean, seriously, retire in Boca or something.  Five movies later, this shit is ridiculous.

Jamie is still cute as a button, but doesn't talk anymore after her ordeal.  She writes on stuff, draws crazy pictures, and signs frantically.  She's sort of psychic now, and is supernaturally connected to Michael, feeling when something is going to happen involving him.  Michael, of course, survived the last attempts to kill him, and floated down a river, resting up for a year in preparation for his return home.  It's Halloween, and while the teenagers prepare to party, Jamie predicts nothing but death and dismemberment.  Dr. Loomis is involved as usual, and is creepier than ever in this movie.  He's not only spouting messages of doomed regarding his failed patient, but pretty much assaults a child for information about him.  

As the party people take off for a farm for drinking and sexytime, Michael is not far behind.  The bumbling police force does nothing to help, instead being faced with the business end of a pitchfork.  As is typically the formula with Halloween movies, Michael robotically stalks the helpless town of Haddonfield, picking off the residents one by one.  Someone always tries to save the day, and in this case it's precious little Jamie Lloyd, who makes my horror heart melt when she yells, "Uncle!"

Halloween 5 is definitely a downgrade from 4 but still has the bloody kills and standard plot that we have come to expect from a good old Halloween movie.  This franchise has probably overstayed its welcome several times, but we still keep on watching 'em, don't we?

Night of the Little Dead (2011)

"If I can kill a god, I can sure as shit kill a monster."

They always give Bill Moseley the best lines in movies (see Evil Bong) obviously just for the fact that he is one of the coolest motherfuckers to ever walk the earth.  Night of the Little Dead has been on my radar for a while, and I was excited to see the full length version (only 11 minutes long) posted online today.

Midget zombies, Bill Moseley, Penn Jillette, Adam Savage, beer and fishing lure?  It really doesn't get much better than that.  NOTLD is about a group of fisherman sitting around a bar, and coming in and out for the actual fishing.  One pair rushes back in, bleeding profusely and running from a tiny zombie.  The war is on between the bar patrons and the little monster, with Bill Moseley (Kickstand) leading the pack.  There's blood, screaming, beer drinking, and some awesome zombie-chopping.  A fun ending rounded this one out.  Full of campiness and worth a watch.  Enjoy!

American Horror Story (2011 TV Series) Episode 5

*Spoilers ahead, because there's no way to talk about this bananas show without giving stuff away!*

It's still Halloween in this episode.  So is is safe to assume that pretty much everyone in or around the vicinity of the Harmon house is a ghost?  After failing to get Adelaide back on the lawn before she died for good, Constance has to accept the fact that her daughter is gone.  Apparently feeling bad for not letting her wear makeup on Halloween, she somewhat calmly applies it to her corpse, which seems ineffective.  She also tells Violet what we've all known for a while, that Tate is her son, and is "very sensitive," which may be the understatement of the year.

Back to Violet and Tate, who dominate much of this episode.  After being spooked by Larry screaming through the peephole, Violet narrowly dodges the dude in the S&M suit and heads up to her room, where Tate throws rocks at her window.  He's ready to take her on their date outside of the basement, so that means he's alive, right?  Well, not exactly....I'll explain later. 

Violet and Tate go to the beach, where things get hot and heavy.  Violet's ready to get it in, but wait.  Tate has issues.  He claims from medication.  I'm betting ghosts can't smush!  He waxes all stoner-like about Kurt Cobain and being trapped and I sort of stop listening until a smattering of high school clique members show up on the beach.  We've got jocks, cheerleaders, goths, and nerds, and they've all been shot at close range.  Violet thinks these are costumes, but we know better!  Tate is accused of being a Columbine-wannabe, but he just cries like a little bitch and says he doesn't know these people.  Is there an evil twin running around?  They worry about getting back by midnight, and I wonder if they are vampires.

Back at the Harmon house, Vivien does not seem at all fazed that a hospital tech fainted after peeping her demon baby.  She decides to take a bath and once again tells Ben to move out.  Hayden calls from the grave and flits around the house, filling in everyone on graphic details of her and Ben's sex life.  Truths are revealed, and Ben better get a shovel out (ha!) because he just keeps digging himself deeper and deeper.  Ben is tired of Krueger Jr. hanging around and he takes that shovel and smacks him with it.  I am getting sick of that guy and his freaky eye.  I'm thinking they reused the makeup from Mason Verger on him and it's starting to bug me.

Halloween is ending and as all the characters from this show shuffle back to the Murder House, I remember Adelaide's words from last week's ep, that all the dead can walk free on Halloween.  So that's why everyone was out and about!  Andddd now they have to all go back to haunting the happy Harmon family.  They know these suckers don't have enough money to move out! 

Previews for next week get us in a Rosemary's Baby type mood, and I personally love the fact that they're filling this show with little homages to the horror genre.  I am loving this show, and the characters keep getting better each week!  Yay, AHS!