Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Five Across the Eyes (2006)

I try not to exaggerate when reviewing horror movies.  I've seen a lot of bad horror movies, a lot of great horror movies, and everything in between.  Five Across the Eyes is literally one of the worst horror movies I've seen in my entire life.  This movie kept calling to me from Netflix instant, looking kind of awesome, and inferring that it may have some cool deaths and lots of screaming.  Oh, there was screaming.  And sobbing.  And whining.  Did you think Death Proof had a lot of senseless dialogue?  Did you giggle at Heather's blubbering in The Blair Witch Project?  Well, then brace yourself for the nonsense of Five Across the Eyes.

This flick starts out innocently enough, with pretty awful production values, but a bunch of cute girls riding in a car always spells disaster, right?  The question is, bloody gory fun disaster, or boring-as-fuck and annoying disaster?  Ding, ding, ding!  It's number two!  Basically, this van full of girls is headed home from a high school football game.  Only one of them can actually drive, and she's a new driver at that.  Instead of taking the sensible way back to their houses, they decide to take a shortcut that "some guy" told them about.  They, predictably, get lost and stop at a roadside gas station to get directions.  However, even though they notice they're low on gas, they don't get any.  First mistake, of many.  Upon leaving the gas station, they fool around with their friend by pretending to drive away as she chases the car.  I hate that trick.  While doing this, they rear-end a car in front of them.  Even the stupidest teenager knows you should stick around and exchange insurance information, but this bunch was missing the day God passed out brains.

Really now was the point that I should have turned this movie off.  The next hour and fifteen minutes were a combination of screaming and whining, coupled with the stupidest conversations in history, followed by the most random and depraved things we should have to see in a low budget horror movie.  Have you ever seen a screaming teenage girl shit in her own hand and then throw it at an oncoming car?  Me neither.  What about someone being raped with a screwdriver and then kind of walking around with it in for a while until her friend pulls it out?  Could have lived without that one.

This movie is in real time, meaning that the 90 or so minutes of the movie are actually 90 minutes in the lives of these morons.  And basically the entire movie is filmed from a crappy van.  The villain is laughable, and we never get a motive, which sometimes can be frightening but here is just stupid.  Skip this movie at all costs...it's truly that horrible.


Mr. Xploit, Esquire said...

Yet another overly harsh critic of this movie. I don't get all the hate. They get off track, fall in a horrible situation, and ultimately end up full circle after being tested with each other. The whole plot with its deep claustrophobia totally worked for me and the music didn't hurt either. It sounds like you walked in with an attitude.

The Scream Queen said...

@Mr. Xploit: I actually really, really wanted to like this movie, but I just couldn't find any redeeming value. What was the motive/point of their stalker? Why the senseless conversations in the van? Why the random grossout moments that served no apparent purpose?

I certainly don't mind low-budget horror and sub-par production values (I review a ton of little-known horror) but I just couldn't get behind this one.