Sunday, August 19, 2012

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994)

A horror movie with Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey?!  How freakin' random.  Not that McConaughey's never been in a horror movie.  We all remember the sleeper hit Frailty, don't we?  Renee made this movie right around the same time as Empire Records, and she's just as cute, minus the sluttiness.   Especially if you any of you horror nerds have a thing for girls in geeky glasses.

So, what's up with this sequel?  Apparently it was intended to be the "real" sequel to the original, apparently eschewing the gloriousness that is Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2.  I actually kind of want to have babies with that movie, so I don't know what awesomeness-hating individual wouldn't call that a "real" sequel.  Also, I kind of forgot about Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3, so this is essentially the fourth of the series. 

Anyway, it looks like they planned on two of the characters being the cook and hitchhiker from the original but that didn't quite pan out.  This got released at a bunch of film festivals as The Return of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, with little success.  The movie got shelved for three years, then re-released under this title, once it's stars had gotten big in Hollywood.

Aside from a few roles, I've always found Matthew McConaughey to be a meh actor but damn if he doesn't play a decent backwoods hick.  However, this appears to be less a sequel, and more a half-assed remake.  There's even some of the same scenes, like the meat hook and dinner with corpses.  Everyone in this movie is so goddamn stupid that it's almost unbelievable.  Basically, this group of kids are at prom, but a few end up driving off randomly and ending up in the clutches of Leatherface and his clan.

Leatherface looks decidedly bizarre in this movie.  Why is he dressed as a woman?  Did I miss something?  Vilmer (McConaughey) is all kinds of Otis Driftwood psycho-sexy.  I know, I'm a demented person.    WTF is up with the robotic leg though?  That's just weird.  From there, it traipses about like a sort of remake.  People have "dinner" with corpses, violent fights ensue, and Leatherface runs around with a chainsaw.  We even get treated to a horrible "reimagining" of the final scene of the original, with Leatherface's frustrated spinning in circles.

Was this the worst movie, or sequel I've ever seen?  No.  But it has very little redeeming value, even though I'm not begging for those 1.5 hours of my life back.  It was entertaining on some level, and there was some eye candy, but there was really no reason for it to have been made in the first place.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Hood of Horror (2006)

This movie has been lingering on my Netflix queue, and curiosity finally got the best of me.  Also, Danny Trejo and Diamond Dallas Page!  This starts out with a weird cartoon, which almost made turn it off because I was in no mood for animation.  The animation explains that Devon (Snoop Dogg) sold his soul to a demon in order to bring his dead sister back to life.  He then becomes a "hound of hell," able to decide who goes to heaven or hell.  Then he basically narrates this trilogy with half-dressed sort-of vampires following him around.

The first installment is Crossed Out, about a female tagger, Posie (Daniella Alonso) who can kill her enemies by spray painting over their tags. She gets this ability from "Derelict," played by a very homeless-looking Danny Trejo. The deaths are pretty sweet -- one guy shoots himself in the dick, another gets impaled by a 40, and yet another gets strangled by a pay phone cord.  But she abuses her new found power and it is revoked by Derelict.

The next episode is The Scumlord.  A white trash couple want an inheritance, but in order to get it, they need to live with the husband's deceased father's old war buddies with a year in order to build character.  But they have no intentions of being nice to these people, and right away put them to work moving out of their rooms, and making them into a giant suite for the couple.  But the more they are pushed, the vets plan to exact their revenge.

The third and final portion is Rapsody Askew, about a rapper named SOD (Pooch Hall).  Snoop called in all his favors on this one, and we see Aries Spears, Lamar Odom (of course he wasn't Mr. Kardashian then), Method Man, Jason Alexander, and Diamond Dallas Page.  Also, Lin Shaye!  LoL.   Basically Lin Shaye accosts SOD and makes him relive the people he's fucked over to rise to fame.  Revenge ensues.

I wanted to like this movie because it was something different, and it involved some really cool actors/actresses.  But it was just borrrrinnngg.  And I just don't get what the point of the whole thing was.  And Snoop Dogg's character just really kind of made no sense.  I understand I wasn't to expect a life changing movie, but I didn't even chuckle once. 

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Thinner (1996)

When this movie came out, I don't know how much anyone was thinking about gypsies.  Like in the real world.  I certainly wasn't.  But now I do think of gypsies, because of one of my guilty pleasure shows, My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.  The gypsies in that show trend closer to Jersey Shore than they do in Thinner but 15 some-odd years have passed, so maybe things have changed.

Thinner is one of Stephen King's less popular books, but they'd make a movie out of the man's grocery list. [Side note: Yet they won't make a fucking Talisman miniseries, which is pretty much all I've ever wanted to see in my entire life]  The cover art for this movie is stupid, and I'm not going to use it as my picture here.  However, I will say that this movie stars Robert John Burke as Billy Halleck and Lucinda Jenney (galpal of Bill Moseley) as Heidi Halleck.  Stephen King makes his token cameo appearance as the town pharmacist.  I would have preferred a gypsy, but I imagine he makes that choice.

Thinner is about an obese lawyer, Billy Halleck whose family wants him to lose weight.  He can give a shit, and plods along at the same weight, while pretending to drink shakes in the morning and pigging out later.  After winning a particularly important case, Billy and his wife Heidi, along with the judge and his wife, go to the country club to celebrate.  Billy celebrates by stuffing his face.  Heidi celebrates by giving him road head on the way home.  Anyone with any sense knows this is super dangerous because dudes tend to lose focus when this type of thing is taking place.  So, fairly predictably, Billy's eyes are closed as an old gypsy woman crosses the street, and he smacks right into her.

Of course, his buddies the judge and the chief of police can't have their homie locked up, and they work quickly to get rid of the troublesome gypsies, and get Billy off the case for manslaughter.  But as he leaves the courtroom, he runs into a super-old gypsy (106!) who touches him and says, "thinnnnerrrr." 

After some research, he follows the gypsies around, hoping to remove the curse.  Of course, it's not as easy as he thinks, and complications arise.  The ending is a bit different than the book.  Apparently the book ending was first filmed, but then tested horribly, and they changed it late in the game.  Either way, this movie is a decent King installment.  Now to go wish for The Talisman...

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Urban Legends: Bloody Mary (2005)

OMG, y'all.  You know that crazypants hottie from American Horror Story?  Kate Mara, sister of Rooney Mara and granddaughter of Wellington Mara, former owner of the NY Giants?!  Well she had to get her start somewhere and it looks like she signed on for a straight to video sequel of Urban Legend.

We all know the legend of Bloody Mary, right?  Well I mean it's not too specific, right?  You stand in the dark in front of the mirror and say "bloody mary" a few times, and something appears.  Right?  I've always been too scared to try it.  This movie is a little bit of a different take on the "legend."  The Mary in this case is from the 1969 prom at a nearby high school.  She and her friends attend the prom with a bunch of jocks who drug the girls' punch so they can get lucky.  But Mary doesn't drink it, and she sees her friends passing out as they're loaded into the car by the horny football stars.  One of the guys chases her back inside, and during a confrontation about the drugging, he kills her, and hides her body, which is never found.

30 some-odd years later, Samantha (Kate Mara) and her friends are having issues with football players too.  Samantha wrote a degrading article for the school paper, and now none of the girls got asked to prom.  No big loss, ladies.  Prom is so lame.  They have a little slumber party, and chant "bloody mary" as a joke, and in the morning, the girls are gone.  They turn up hours later, the victims of a drugging prank by the spurned jocks. 

Prank aside, the girls have awoken the spirit of Mary Banner.  And she is PISSED.  She wants to seek revenge on pretty much everyone, and in a variety of interesting ways.  Death by tanning bed, ripped apart by spiders, electrocuted through the penis, you get the drift.  Meanwhile Sam and her brother David (Robert Vito) are committed to getting to the bottom of things before there are more deaths.

The twist was a little odd, and the Sam/David's "helper" (the survivor of the 1969 incident) added nothing to the story.  But overall, this wasn't a horrible movie, and it had some pretty cool death scenes.  The constant playing of the old prom song got old real fast, but that kind of thing bugs me in any movie.  Of course we can't expect any sequel to top the awesomeness of psycho Rebecca Gayheart in Urban Legend but this one isn't a throwaway either.  Also, I really like Kate Mara.  And now I miss AHS.  Boooo.