Wednesday, October 31, 2012

American Horror Story Asylum - Episode 3

Back to the present day asylum, where Bloody Face is attacking.  Looks like it's just a couple douches fucking around.  Or actually killing people.  But it "went too far" so maybe it wasn't intentional?  I'm confused.

And now back to the real asylum, where things are a little clearer for me.  Sister Mary Eunice is possessed and it turns her into a gloriously snarky bitch.  A newspaper lands on Sister Jude's desk with the headline about the little girl she killed.  Ooopsie, who put that there?  She remains incredibly suspicious of Dr. Thredson.  Meanwhile, there's a big storm coming.  Sister Jude arranges for everyone to watch The Sign of the Cross when the storm is at it's worst.

Dr. Arden finds a weird, spider like contraption was residing in Kit's neck.  Mary Eunice has developed a taste for stabbing people with scissors.  No worries though, because she can feed the dead bodies to the creatures outside.  Since being possessed by the devil, Mary Eunice has also had a slight increase in libido.  Unfortunately Dr. Arden doesn't like dirty talkers.  Dr. Thredson agrees to do Lana a favor, as he is more than happy to betray Sister Jude.

Sister Jude, meanwhile, is being tortured by her past.  Dr. Arden suggests she's "coming apart at the seams," and he seems to be right.  Ooopss, someone shouldn't have left that wine in reach of Sister Jude.  She snarfed the whole thing.  She introduces the movie night totally hammered.  She almost carries it off, but then starts randomly blabbering.  Dr. Arden says "whore" a lot, and also paints Virgin Mary statues with lipstick.

Kit, Grace, Lana, and Shelley stage their escape under cover of the storm.  Sister Jude stumbles around looking for a missing inmate, but she's probably already forgotten who she was looking for.  Shelley misses the escape and gets grabbed up by Dr. Arden.  Ahhhh, the creatures!!  They look like zombies.  Dr. Arden has Shelley in his lab, and he explains that her "wings needed to be clipped."  In Dr. Arden-speak, that means double leg amputation!! 

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

American Horror Story Asylum - Episode 2

**This is a recap!  Spoilers ahead!**

It's been a tough week at my day job and Scream Queen needs some American Horror Story.  I still don't love this villain, Bloody Face, but I'm trying to roll with it.  He takes out Adam Levine, but I still don't think that's the last we're going to see of Mr. Maroon Five.  Sister Jude seems to use God when she feels like it.  She decides that God would be fine with electroshock therapy and sends Lana for a little treatment. 

Meanwhile, Dr. Thredson interviews Kit, and diagnoses him with "acute clinical insanity." Mary Eunice continues to feed the creatures out back, and the doctor gives her a candy apple in return.  Dr. Thredson is upset about the conditions at the hospital, and Sister Jude has the best response ever: "It's a madhouse, doctor.  What did you expect?"

A mother and father bring their son in, who has started speaking strange languages and ripped apart their cow and ate the heart.  You know, normal teenage behavior.  Dr. Thredson wants a closer look.  I've seen enough movies to diagnose it as a demon possession.  Shelley is just such a wild and entertaining character.  She's my favorite, along with Grace, the one that looks like Christina Ricci.  There are a lot of people being introduced on this show in only two episodes and I'm getting a little overwhelmed.   IMDB has been my friend. 

The exorcism begins.  Sister Jude gets booted out, and she is none too happy.  "It's no place for a woman," says the priest.  I'm thinking she's the wrong gal to say that to.  Dr. Arden, shortly after calling Shelley a whore, calls a hooker over to his house.  Just to eat food and drink wine though.  No big deal. 

Sister Jude is finally invited to join the exorcism, but she just gets locked in the room with the possessed kid, who reveals her worst secrets.  Not only did she used to be a sauced-up turboslut, but she also killed a little girl when she was driving drunk.  Guess she's not as holier-than-thou as she seems to act. 

The demon knocks the power out, and Lana stages her escape with Grace.  But she ruins it for herself when she decides to blow up Kit's spot.  WTF.  Dr. Arden definitely has a weird fetish about tying women up...also may be a murderer.  Bonus: refers to vagina as a "mossy bank."  Awesome.  Additionally, strong possibility that Mary Eunice is now possessed by the devil.  

Lana gets "rewarded" for being a tattletale by watching Grace and Kit get caned.  Oh well, maybe just Kit.  He seems to be suspiciously eyeing a glass on the desk next to him.  Next week -- lots of screaming, Mary Eunice looks crazypants, and maybe we get to see the creatures!

The Cabin in the Woods (2011)

Finally I'm seeing this movie.  I first wrote about this back in 2009 and it's since been delayed for a variety of reasons.  But finally I have it on Blu Ray and I am excited!  All I keep hearing about this movie is: "It's awesome, but it's just so fucking weird."  So I have learned exactly nothing about this movie from anyone I have asked.

Note to oblivious guys, girls never prance around in front of an open window in their panties, and we certainly don't forget we're not wearing pants in the presence of their friend's boyfriend.  Also, this pothead makes stoners more annoying than funny.  So, we've got two scenarios -- a bunch of people in a fancy science lab, and a bunch of college students off for a weekend in the woods.  A curmudgeonly old man warns the group about the house, but they don't take it seriously, of course.  The house looks like a replica from The Evil Dead, which I'm sure was intended.  I'm expecting this film to be chock-full of nods to the horror genre. 

I guess the little catch to this whole vacation is that the inhabitants are being watched by these crazy science people.  They also seem to be quite involved with the co-eds, being able to make changes to the environment, and their physiology from afar.  After a game of Truth or Dare, the group finds a basement full of weird crap.  After reading a diary out loud, a family of redneck devil worshippers rise from the dead.  Side note: the blonde in this movie (Jules) is a total hoebag.  And the stoner (Marty) continues to annoy the crap out of me.  Dana and Holden would make a cute couple though.

So as the group is forced to run for their lives, the observers watch from afar, and with great interest.  This is much more than a reality show-type gig, and way different than the voyeuristic slant of the Saw movies.

I don't want to give any more of the plot away, because it's just too much fun.  I kind of freakin' loved this movie.  I adored the little nods to other horror films, squealed with delight over the "purge" scene, gasped at the "cubes" and just liked overall premise of the movie.  The special effects were fantastic, and the actors played right into their stereotypes.  Sure, the ending wasn't that great, but I'm not sure where else it would have gone from there.  Not only was this a fun homage to the genre, but a tongue-in-cheek social commentary of our nation's obsession with reality television.  LOVED it. 

Monday, October 22, 2012

The Walking Dead Season 3 Episode 2

There's a lot going on in this season of The Walking Dead.  I read that someone said the other day that Season 2 moved liked a Romero zombie, and Season 3 is straight-up 28 Days Later.  At the end of last season, Herschel's leg was getting hacked off and the crew spotted other people living in the prison.  These crazy prisoners have been living in the cafeteria for 10 months?!  They have absolutely zero idea what is going on outside.  Rick demands that they share their food and go live in another cellblock.  Harsh.

Um, also, how freakin' awesome is it that Adam Banjo from The Devil's Rejects is in this ep?!

When Rick tries to "transfer" the prisoners to a different cellblock, they run into some more walkers, and obviously the prisoners have no clue how to kill them.  One dude gets bit and this huge guy that sort of looks like the psycho from The Longest Yard kills him mercilessly.  Oh well, sometimes you have to do that.  However, you do not throw a zombie on Rick!  This is not a democracy anymore, motherfucker.  Rick splits a bitch up with a machete so that everyone knows he is not to be fucked with.

Meanwhile, Herschel is kinda dying.  You can't really just hack someone's leg off and expect it to be okay.  The fear is, of course, is that Herschel will die and come back and attack everyone.  So he needs to be handcuffed to the cot, and Glen gets assigned to kill him if he comes back.   Carol is not so concerned about Herschel, but really just worried about how she's going to help Lori deliver the baby with the minimal information that Herschel has given her.  Therefore, she takes off to practice a C-section on a female zombie.  She is a strange bird.

Lori admits that she's a shitty wife and not winning any mother of the year awards.  You don't say, Lori?  I mean, I would have totally wanted to sleep with Shane too, but I probably would have waited until my husband had been presumably dead for more than...ohhhh a few days?!  And I would have used protection, for chrissake.  Glen has been the only one on this show smart enough to pick up some condoms.  Even Andrea banged Shane and she's lucky she's avoided his zombie bastard child thus far.

Carl takes off to find the infirmary and returns with supplies.  Instead of saying thanks, Lori bitches him out for traipsing off without a buddy.  Herschel dies.  That's sad.  Oh, wait.  Lori does CPR and he wakes up as a human.  So, Herschel lives to fight another day.   And no Andrea and Michonne this week. 

Saturday, October 20, 2012

The Walking Dead Season 3 - Episode 1

The Walking Dead is back!  Yippee!  Several months have passed and Lori is hugely pregnant.  Also, Rick fucking hates Lori.  Like he clearly can't even stand to look at her.  But with Shane gone, Rick has taken his alpha male status and it is sexxaayy.  Also, Daryl appears to be his second-in-command, which is even more awesome.  Carol is no longer wishy-washy and actually seems to kick ass.  Herschel is tired, Maggie is awesome, and Glen is still awesome Glen.  T-Dog still isn't getting enough play, and one of the farm people are there, but I have no idea what her name is.  The quiet blonde one.  Carl is apparently trusted with a gun now, and shoots zombies freely.  So let's recap!

Apparently the group has been traveling around for months, mostly just making their way from house to house.  But now Lori's about to pop and they need to find a place to settle down.  They come across a jail, which is surrounding by inmate zombies, but they're able to find a way in, in no small part to everyone's awesome shooting skills.  They're very excited to have some space and protection and not constantly be on the run.  Daryl jokes about "Baby Shane" eating too much.  LoL!  Do him and Carol finally have something going on?  Maybe she's not such a doormat because she's getting some redneck D.  Good on you, Carol.

This campfire singalong is pretty lame.  And is Carl still wearing that stupid hat?  Give it a rest.  Rick understands that everyone's exhausted, but not really, because they're going to infiltrate the prison tomorrow.  This is like Oregon Trail when you push your people on meager rations and aggressive speed and everyone dies.  He really has absolutely zero patience for Lori and thinks she should feel lucky that he even stayed with her skinny cheating butt.

They split up to enter the prison, hoping to take on the zombies outside.  There's some SERIOUS zombie hand-to-hand combat.  Daryl is still the most badass but Maggie will cut a bitch for real.

They finally find a secure cellblock and move in for the time being.  Herschel is none too happy that Carl was about to bunk with Beth (thattt's the blonde's name).  Glen checks Maggie for scratches and I go all squeeee inside.  Carol and Lori are having a slumber party because obvs Rick isn't going to share a cell with her.  Daryl sleeps in the hall because he's "not going to be locked in no cage."  Awesome.

I almost forgot about the lady with the armless zombies (Michonne).  Her and Andrea have been hanging out for a while, but now Andrea's sick and wants her to leave her to die.  Noooo, Andrea!  LIVE!  Lori's afraid that her fetus is a zombie.  She also fears she will die during childbirth, thus becoming a zombie and killing her baby.  Woah, pregnancy hormones.

The men, and Maggie of course, take off to explore the prison.  There's no electricity, so they're going by flashlights.  They're attacked by walkers, and Herschel is injured.  Boy, Rick's heart is just stone cold, and he is running on pure adrenaline.  Hacking off Herschel's leg like five seconds after he got bit?  Holy crap.

And the cliffhanger for next week?  Daryl goes to shoot some "walkers" that are actually humans!!  Looks like they've made some new friends.  Until next Sunday. 

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

American Horror Story: Asylum -- Episode 1

**If you've never read my TV reviews/recaps, they are chock-full of spoilers, so BEWARE!**

OMG AMERICAN HORROR STORY IS BACK!!  I have been waiting for this moment since the depressing day that season one ended and it's finally time!!  So if you haven't already seen the billion commercials and their bananas web presence, this season will be different.  Apparently the show's creators always intended this to be a sort-of miniseries of shows, with a different story each season.  So, most of the actors and actresses are gone, but of course they couldn't get rid of bad-ass Jessica Lange.  Evan Peters (Tate from Season 1) is back too.  And we have tons of new stars -- Sarah Paulson! Chloe Sevigny! Adam Levine! Lily Rabe!  Joseph Fiennes!  Clea DuVall!  Mark Consuelos! James Cromwell!  And I'm sure there will be some fun cameos as well.  But let's get to the premiere!

Adam Levine saying "oh you're so sexy" like 12 times in a row really doesn't do it for me.  So some newlyweds on their demented honeymoon are visiting the most haunted locations in the U.S. and having sex in them.  Ohhhhkkkayyy.  Could this actually be the most unsexy sex scene in American Horror Story history?  Boner-killer. Scream King hopes that's all we'll see of Adam Levine.  Unfortunately I think he's mistaken. 

The starting music is still awesome, but they can't top that intro of season 1.  Annndd we're in 1964.  30 cents a gallon for gas?  LoL.  Tate is now "Kit" and he's not as sexy as he was all emo and psychotic.  He's in an interracial marriage and has to hide it from everyone.  That's sad.  Then he appears to get attacked by some sort of UFO. 

"Mental illness is the fashionable explanation for sin."  Is that how this season is going to go?!  I love Jessica Lange. Shelly (Chloe Sevigny) is a nympho.  Awesome.  What?!  Now Kit/Tate is "Bloody Face"?  Lana Winters (Sarah Paulson) is a reporter just trying to get a break on a story, but Sister Jude (Lange) is not having it.  Kit is obviously having a hard time adjusting to a asylum, with all the crazies and all, and Sister Jude is not going to let him just bide his time.  (Side note: is this season a Nip/Tuck reunion?!)

Dr. Arden (James Cromwell) seems a little sketchy, but he isn't easily bullied by Sister Jude.  Wendy (Clea DuVall) is Lana's lesbian lover.  Love it!  For all her piousness, it appears that Sister Jude cooks coq a vin for her cutesy priest in her lingerie.  LoL.  Sister Mary Eunice (Lily Rabe) seems to be stuck with the shit jobs.  Not only is she constantly berated by Sister Jude, but she appears to be feeding some sort of animals/monsters outside the asylum.  Dr. Arden says it's okay though.

Oh!  We're back to Adam Levine and his mid-blowjob decapitated arm.  His idiot wife is running around the abandoned asylum for help, transition.  Dr. Arden has poor Kit all tied up and in an operating room.  Lana is traipsing around looking for her story, all while digging herself a deeper hole.  Meanwhile, Kit seems to be gearing up for some sort of brain operation.

Wow, Sister Jude is a vindictive bitch.  She even talks this poor reporter's girlfriend into committing her?!  I pause to ensure that Scream King will never do this to me.  And Bloody Face appears! 

Next week on American Horror Story? Creatures, exorcisms, shock treatments, a storm's a comin', and possible escape!  Yipppeee.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Mother's Day (2010)

I love Rebecca DeMornay.  Remember The Hand that Rocks the Cradle?  She's really good at playing a batshit crazypants.  And Mother's Day is no exception.  It's from the maker of Saw, Darren Lynn Bousman, but luckily for those of us who have tired of that series, this does not share the same premise.  This is also a remake of a 1980 movie that I've tried to watch once, but for some reason didn't finish, or write a review of.  So I'll have to add that one to the to-do list.  Therefore, this review is based on me seeing the remake before the original.

So these two yuppies, Beth and Daniel bought a house in foreclosure.  Unfortunately, it seems as if they bought the wrong house.  While they have a birthday party, three brothers are headed their way after a botched bank robbery.  One of the brothers is injured, and they are hoping to hide out at their mother's house.  But, oooops.  Mom lost her house in the foreclosure and it's already been snapped up by these greedy little party animals. 

In a Last House on the Left-esque turn of events, the men demand entry to the house, and force one of the partygoers (a doctor) to tend to their brother's gunshot wound.  The doctor insists that he needs a hospital, but this rowdy bunch doesn't do hospitals.  Right about this time, Mom and Lydia (Jessica from True Blood, wooo!) show up.  And then, shit starts to come a little unraveled.  Mom learns of money that has been sent to the house post-foreclosure, totaling into the thousands.  But the owners claim to have never seen it.  Meanwhile, her injured son is pretty close to death, and she feels the solution to the problem is to have him lose his virginity before he dies.  Ooookkkayyy.  That's not creepy.

Another son takes Beth traipsing about town to various ATMs to come up with the money to get across the border.  Meanwhile, tensions are high back at the house, and some forms of torture are taking place.  It's clear that "Mother" holds the upper hand with both her family, and the situation at hand.  It's going to be a long night ahead for everyone.

I liked this movie while I was watching it, but now that I'm writing a review, I guess I don't have too much to say about it.  It was a pretty good flick overall, albeit kinda predictable, but there are some creepy scenes, and Rebecca DeMornay revels in another psycho female role.  Not a bad way to spend two hours.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Twin Peaks - Season 1, Episode 2 "Traces to Nowhere"

I hope that as I continue to watch this show, I can picture Kyle McLachlan as Dale Cooper and not Trey McDougall.  He sure is an oddball, and seems to constantly be talking about coffee.  Shelley's husband is a huge douche.  Guess that's why she's cheating with Laura's boyfriend.  As for Laura, we discover she was a little into skiing.  What high schooler can afford coke anyway?

Not only is everyone sleeping with everyone on this show, but some seem to be taking perverse pleasure in the death of their lovely homecoming queen.  This is especially true of Donna Hayward (Lara Flynn Boyle).  Meanwhile, Audrey seems set on ruining everything in her path, from her father's business deals to just the general well being of others.  For someone who was dating two different guys and snorting coke, Laura seemed to have a lot of time for volunteer work and teaching English. 

Also, there's this:

Her log sees things.  And KNOWS things.  But if people want to know those things, they need to ask the log.  The log does not speak freely.  Also, how many people have the other half of this freakin' best friends necklace?!  I feel like I've seen this thing buried, discussed, and now some random dude listens to a tape of Laura and holds the damn thing lovingly.  Did she have several of these?!  Until the next episode...