Wednesday, October 30, 2013

American Horror Story Coven: Fearful Pranks Ensue

New Orleans 1961: some white dudes are chasing a black kid down the street.  In the beauty shop, a woman worries about her son's first day at the integrated school.  Fast forward a few minutes, and the boy has been hung from a tree, and Marie Leveau looks on.  Later, Marie does a spell involving snakes, while a group of men brag about hanging the black teenager.  The spell forces a bunch of people to rise from the grave and attack the men.

Creepy dolls abound in the butler's room.  He looks like the guy with the weird hand from Scary Movie.  He wraps up Madison's body as Fiona sits by and smokes.  A loud crash makes her take off looking for Cordelia, but instead finds Queenie, attacked by the minotaur.  Cordelia and Fiona manage to pull together and save her, and decide that they will solve everything internally from here on out.  Delphine is feeling guilty, since Queenie saved her from the minotaur.

Marie is working hard at the hair salon, when her husband's head gets delivered to her.  Poor Kyle is repeatedly knocking his head on the bathtub and bleeding everywhere.  Seems he came back slow and stupid instead of evil.  Zoe feels guilty that they brought him back to life, and leans towards feeding him rat poison.

Fiona is excited about Halloween, but Delphine is not.  Fiona takes off in a witch costume, while Marie runs around frantically getting ready to avenge her husband's death.  She calls a decades-old truce with the other witches OVAH.  Poor Cordelia, her husband is cheating on her with some redhead, who appears to be the maid from the first season of AHS.  Delphine rushes to thank Queenie for saving her life as soon as she regains consciousness.  Nan announces the arrival of some visitors, which turns out to be the council on witchcraft.

Plot twist!  Turns out Nan summoned the council when she stopped hearing Madison's thoughts, therefore becoming concerned that she was dead.  The council quizzes everyone on Madison's powers and behaviors.  Cordelia's husband continues to romance his red-headed friend, who thinks they are exclusive.  Oooops, and then he just shoots her right in the head.

Fiona is bored with the council's grilling, especially as they recall that two witches have disappeared right after seeing Fiona for the last time.  Looks like she killed the last Supreme that she took over for, and then killed Madison, who she thought would succeed her. Also, we find out how Spaulding lost his tongue, after a fellow witch enchanted a spell where he couldn't speak a lie, in hopes to out Fiona.  Of course, he can't speak any truths without a tongue!

As their last witness, the council calls Spaulding to write the name of the witch who mutilated him.    We flashback to the night he cut out his own tongue, after professing his love to Fiona.  We also find out that Madison was not meant to be the next Supreme, since they need to be in perfect health, and Madison had a heart murmur.

Marie is doing her raising-the-dead spell, and corpses are starting to creep up from the ground.  Nan sets up a memorial for Madison.  Spaulding plays with his creepy dolls, also dressing up as one.  He has Madison dressed up and posed, drinking tea.  Cordelia and Fiona are out boozing.  Cordelia goes to the ladies' room to puke and rally, and gets acid thrown in her face!  The cutie pie from next door brings over cookies for Nan, while Delphine's dead family shows up at the front door.  Zombies straggle all throughout the neighborhood!  It's a Walking Dead/AHS mashup!!

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

American Horror Story: Coven - The Replacements

Have I mentioned yet that these AHS recaps are freakin' exhausting?  Talk about working my brain.  Writing these is like taking a calculus class.  Love the show but damn it's complicated.

Fiona wakes up in the middle of the night, and daydreams back to an earlier time.  At one time, Fiona was young and beautiful and was taking over for the previous Supreme. Apparently what it takes to be a Supreme is to have several powers at once.  Also there's a random pussy-whipped butler who can't talk.  Sure that will come into play later.

Fiona is at bar, but thinking about dancing.  It seems the "dance" is attracting young men, which fades as she gets older.  Zoe goes to visit another witch (Mare Winningham!) who is smoking pot, and doing a lot of talking.  Queenie, Madison and Nan watch the sexy shirtless boys moving in next door.  Delphine sobs over the black president.  Nan talks about how she "gets it all the time." Love it.

Delphine is a racist to Queenie and Fiona makes her Queenie's direct slave.  LOVE IT.  Misty snuggles with Kyle and listens to Fleetwood Mac.  Zoe tries to make him fall back in love with her but Misty is jealous.  I just feel terrible for Misty because she is very lonely.  Nan rolls up on the cute boy's house with a cake, and Madison arrives in a club dress.  The  mother of the house kicks them both out.

Cordelia is back at the gyno, with a problem--she can't have a baby. Fiona is at the plastic surgeon, where they are refusing her any more work.  Zoe carries Kyle back to his mom's house (Mare Winningham!!), where she is both excited and scared to see him.

The mother from the next door visits Fiona to complain about the girls. Fiona pretty much chuckles about it.  Madison just wants to fuck poor innocent Catholic boy Luke.  Alicia (Winningham) visits her son in bed.  She's worried about his shower time, which looked sexy to me.  But apparently she realizes he looks different from before.  WHY?!  OMG BECAUSE SHE'S HAVING SEX WITH HER SON.

Cordelia rolls up on the Ninth Ward looking for Marie for her fertility issues.  Love the use of the phrase "baby gravy." There's this whole process, and also you get to bathe in goat's blood.  It's $50K but Marie turns her down because of Fiona's antics.  Nan gets into Zoe's head and knows about her Kyle crush.

Alicia calls Zoe to come retrieve Kyle.  Fiona lunches with Madison.  Fiona admits she was a terrible mother, much like Madison's.  Madison wants to be taught to be like Fiona.  Fiona seems to worry that she will be the next Supreme.   Delphine is Queenie's slave and it's hilarious.  But now the minatour is breaking in.

Queenie lets Delphine hide from the minotaur but then goes outside to bang him.  Alicia continues to flip out about her son's anatomy, you know, since she bangs him.  No worries because he beats her up.  Madison looks gorg at a dive bar with Fiona.  Fiona pictures herself as Madison since that's how she looked when she was younger.  Fiona pours out a drink!!

Fiona informs Madison thats she's the next Supreme since Fiona is dying from cancer.  She begs Madison to kill her,  but slits Madison's throat instead!!  The weird butler is there to help,  and to "bury her deep."

"This Coven doesn't need a new Supreme.  It needs a new rug."

FIONA FOREVAHHH!!  Until next week!


The Walking Dead Season 4 Episode 2 "Infected"

Someone with a flashlight feeds a rat to the zombies.  I can only suspect this is someone from the farm, since they were so accustomed to feeding the barn zombies the chickens.  Tyrese is trying to romance his ladyfriend, but she still doesn't want him to sleep over.  Hopefully we all haven't forgotten about the nerd zombie who is lurking in the showers!

Rick holds Judith and OMG OVARIES EXPLODING.  No one suspects anything, as now two infected zombies wander through the prison.  Wouldn't it be nice if they could just go join their uninfected brethren on the other side of the fence?  I love how Glen and Maggie have like a little love shack in the guard tower.  I don't care what anyone says, I adore them as a couple.  Glen takes a photo to immortalize his lovely ladyfriend.  Rick and Carl bid Michonne goodbye for now.  Carl wants to help with the zombies on the fence, but Rick basically wants to stick to the gardening.

Gunshots inside the prison!!  Luckily the original prison crew seems to be fairly organized in getting together to take care of the issue.  However, Michonne struggles at the entrance to get back in and help.  Maggie and Carl to the rescue.  Daryl and Rick evacuate people easily, and even save children fucking one-handed.  A dude gets bit and Carol steps in to amputate the arm with no freakin' hesitation.  Why are the newcomers just not on board with the survival skills?!  Tyrese and his girlfriend just girlfriend just cuddle and don't help AT ALL. Those two are useless.

They survey the carnage and realize that lots of freakin' people are dead.  Carol's amputee patient was also bit in the neck so he's just gotta go.  He begs for Carol to look after his children and she agrees.  Daryl and Rick finish off the rest of the zombies with NO ONE ELSE HELPING OMG.  They realize that many of the zombies seem to have no bites, and appear to have died from some sort of bleeding from the orifices type of deal.  The doctor explains that it could be an infection.  The idiot who tried to sneak wine also chimes in.

Everyone convenes and determines that maybe the infection/flu/disease has spread from possibly the sick boy that Rick saw in the woods, and also maybe the pigs.  Carol lets the girls see their dad for the last time, and the older one insists on being the one to kill him.  But she decides not to at the last minute and Carol finishes him off.

Carl is apologetic for helping Michonne. All the people who were "exposed" need to be separated, and everyone else needs to stay outside.  I'm thinking they need to lock everyone into cells individually in case they die and turn.  Tyrese's girlfriend is coughing and needs to be quarantined.  Daryl looks sexier than ever.

So earlier in the episode, Carl warned Rick about the horde of zombies being too big and threatening to take the fence down.  And that little bastard was right.  As Rick and Daryl wax poetic, Maggie notices that the zombies are getting pretty fucking strong.  I'm guessing that it's going to be mostly original prison people knocking this one outta the park, but maybe some of the Woodbury folks will prove me wrong.

Yep, the OGs are killing it while everyone else chills inside.  Beth helps Michonne with her hurt ankle and they both watch the baby.  Michonne seems particularly disturbed by Judith's crying. Finally, the fence crew spots the rats that the zombies have been eating, which may explain their strength.  Rick sends Daryl for the truck, looking longingly at his garden.  I'm sensing Michonne lost a baby at some point, because a lot of emotion is coming out when she holds Judith.

Rick and Daryl distract the zombies with the pigs.  Funny how I can watch person after person get killed but I get a little misty over the animals.  Rick is sad to lose them as well.  He feels me.  With the pig distractions, the walkers move away from the gates and make the prison safe for now.  Rick thinks that he and Carl should stay away from Judith.  Carl tattles about Carol teaching the kids how to use weapons.  Rick agrees to just leave it alone.

Rick and Carl burn down the pigpen and Carl gets his gun back.  Rick shows his shirt in the fire too, which must have been purely for the female fans.  Tyrese goes seeking out his ladyfriend and finds she's burnt to a crisp!  Until next week!!

Saturday, October 19, 2013

The Walking Dead - Season 4 Episode 1 - 30 Days Without an Accident

It's been hard for me to get back in the swing of things with TV recaps.  This time of year, I go from writing zero recaps to keeping up with two per week!  But they are one of the biggest visited pages on my site, so it looks like someone is reading them.  So I'm nearly a week behind on The Walking Dead but I promise to get this week's recap up on the same night that the episode airs.

An undisclosed amount of time after we last checked in with the prison, Rick and the group are thriving.  They've got a nice little garden going, while the zombies still watch from the gate.  When are these bitches finally going to die?  Do they have an expiration date like in 28 Days Later? Rick is listening to an iPod, God knows how he's keeping that charged.  They also have a pig that they are raising for food, which may or may not be sick.

Apparently people are still being brought in left and right, in addition to the folks that came from Woodbury originally.  Some nerdy kid calls Daryl "Mr. Dixon" and "Sir."  Carol tries to stake her claim on her mancandy, now that there are several other ladies around for Daryl to choose from.  There are people working at the fence, and their job is to just repeatedly stab the zombies that come up to the perimeter.  Carol is concerned about the amount of walkers that have gathered.

Maggie and Glen -- still going strong.  Glen -- getting a little overprotective of Maggie.  He doesn't want her to go on today's run, and she reluctantly agrees to stay.  Tyrese has a new love interest, but he's done stabbing the zombies on the fence, and wants to go on the run instead.  Beth has a cutiepie love interest as well.  A new guy, who's name I totally missed, volunteers to go on the run as well. Michonne on a freakin' horse!  YES.  She's apparently on a tireless search for the Governor, and living at the prison very sparingly.

Herschel lectures Rick on bringing his gun when he leaves the prison. A short time later, Rick goes wandering about, and runs into a strange woman.  She pleads for help with dragging a dead animal back to her husband, but really just wants to come back to the prison.  We learn that now newcomers get asked three questions before they get a chance to come back: how many walkers have you killed? How many people have you killed? Why?

This time the run is taking place at a superstore, which was previously overrun by zombies.  But the quick-thinking prison residents put a boombox nearby to draw them out.  Sasha has turned into a total badass, while Tyrese is still a little wishywashy.  New guy struggles with the decision to sneak some wine, and while he tries to make the right choice, he topples over an entire display, attracting the walkers that are hanging out on the roof.  Just when you thought there could be no more new ways for walkers to appear, they fall through the roof like rain!  A zombie battle ensues, and they lose Beth's boytoy, narrowly escaping as the roof starts to completely cave in.

After what seems like an episode-long stroll through the woods, Rick finally reaches this weird lady's camp, where she immediately tries to kill him!  It turns out this chick's husband is a walker, and she kept him "alive," and wanted to feed Rick to him.  Rick is having none of that.  She is now going to kill herself, and begs Rick not to "end it" after she becomes a zombie, so that she can be with her zombie husband.  Ummmm, cray cray.

Back at the prison, Carol is using storytime as a cover for teaching the kids zombie survival skills.  Good on you, Carol.  The nerdy kid feels nauseous and has to leave, but Carl hides behind a bookshelf to observe the lesson.  Carol spots him and fears he will tell Rick.  Tyrese is a whiny little bitch about making runs as well.  Maggie tells Glenn she's not pregnant and both are happy.  But she thinks they could have kids in the future.  Daryl breaks the news about Beth's boytoy and she doesn't cry, but resets the "days without an accident" calendar.  She gives Daryl a much-needed hug.  Meanwhile, Michonne studies a map of Georgia.  The nerdy kid is sick with something and dies in the showers, releasing a zombie right into the middle of the prison!


Blood Runs Cold (2011)

It's a little weird to me that this movie gets 4 out of 5 stars on Netflix (which is really rare for a horror movie) but only gets 4.1 out of 10 on IMDB.  I watched this movie basically totally because of the high rating on Netflix, since I had honestly never heard of it before.

Like the highly successful (and really good) Fritt Vilt/Cold Prey series, Blood Runs Cold hails from Sweden.  However, the location of this actual movie confused me right from the start.  Some people had badly faked American accents, some people had Swedish accents, and the main character even seemed to have an Australian accent.  The address written on the paper when she is driving to the house says "NC," which I'm taking to mean North Carolina if this is meant to be set in the United States.  However (and correct me if I'm wrong), are there any parts of North Carolina that are absolutely BURIED in snow at any time of year?  So the location totally threw me.

Basically, a successful musician, Winona (Hanna Oldenburg) decides to take a few weeks off to hole up in a cabin in the mountains.  Upon arriving at the house, she finds it to be quite creepy, and goes out for a drink at the local watering hole.  There she meets up with an ex-flame, as well as his friend and girlfriend.  Bored with the bar, they decide to head back to her rental house to hang out and drink some more.  Little do they know, a sinister visitor is lurking.  This masked ax murderer has the intention of picking off the party animals one by one.

Apparently this movie was made for about $5K.  If that is true, then the production value is quite impressive.  The special effects were pretty nice and the location was cool.  However, this movie just seemed to really have no point.  There was no story behind the creepy murderer, why he was hanging out at this particular house, or why he wanted to kill a handful of twenty-somethings.  So while there were a few fun moments for slasher-fans, there just wasn't too much going on in this one.  I definitely recommend Cold Prey though!

Thursday, October 17, 2013

American Horror Story Coven - Episode 2 - "Boy Parts"

I'll tell you, American Horror Story recaps are freakin' exhausting!  So much going on!  We start with a couple of good ol' boys hunting for some gator in the swamps.  Misty (Lily Rabe) is hanging back out at the site where they have all their gators hanging up.  No we know that she is a necromancer, so she can make the gators come back to life and kill the poor rednecks.  Also, Stevie Nicks plays in the background! (and not that horrible Landslide song either)

Madison is being a bitch as usual, as Zoe mourns her lost boy toy.  Fiona has Delphine (who apparently smells) tied up in her room.  Flashback to Queenie's life in Detroit, where she was the manager of a chicken joint.  A dude gave her a hard time, so she used her voodoo doll powers to stick her hand in hot grease and make his arm burn away.  Also she might be my favorite person on this show.


Two copts come to investigate the bus crash.  Zoe claims responsibility for everything, including the sex death in the hospital.  Fiona uses her witch powers to brainwash the police and send them on their way.  Fiona punishes the girls by flipping them against the wall and bitching them the fuck out.  Madison decides to repay Zoe for killing her rapist by putting together a new sexy boyfriend out of many dismembered parts, with Kyle's face of course.

Cordelia is struggling to get pregnant, and in vitro is the next step.  However, her husband wants her to just use magic to conceive.  Fiona is back chatting with Delphine, who is regaling her with the story about the love potion gone wrong.  We learn the Marie Leaveau was not fucking around.  She killed Delphine's entire family, and then gave her the "gift" of eternal life, which she would spend buried in an unmarked grave.  Until today, of course.

The girls are hard at work with the boy reconstruction, which is eerily reminiscent of a Nip/Tuck episode.  They cast the spell, spilling some blood in the process.  I think this was the "black magic" that Cordelia was worried about earlier.  You know, with the pentagram and all.  They're concerned that the spell didn't work, but of course it did.  But like Pet Semetary, will he come back stupid or evil?

Fiona is getting her hair done in an African salon, which she must be loving.  Marie Leveau makes an appearance of course.  My second fave on the show, Nan, is bothered by Delphine's loud thinking, and unties her.  Of course she thinks Queenie is a slave and clocks her with a candlestick holder.

Fiona and Marie have a chat.  These two are just a battle of sassmasters.  All Fiona wants is whatever Marie's secret is to staying and looking young.  Cordelia decided not to struggle too much with the decision to make her baby with magic and goes through with it with her sexypants husband.   They bang inside a ring of fire and snakes which is pretty cool.

Zoe drags Kyle out of the morgue and poor Frankenstein is having a bit of a tough time.  Zoe's trying to operate a freakin' vehicle and he's trashing all about the car.  Oh, and then Misty joins them in the backseat, no big deal.  They go to Misty's little shack and she rubs Kyle down with alligator poop.  Also, she is strangely obsessed with Stevie Nicks, who is apparently her hero, and a witch.

Back at Marie's house, her husband is still a minotaur!  They've got business to take care of.  Delphine escapes, but only gets back to her own house, which is now a tourist attraction.  She waxes poetic about her dead family.  Fiona doesn't have a whole lot of sympathy, but they walk off into the sunset (aka back to the witch school) together.  Until next week!!

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

American Horror Story: Coven - Episode 1 - "Bitchcraft"

American Horror Story is back, bitches!  The first scene is set in New Orleans 1934 with a badass looking Kathy Bates painting herself in blood.  NICE.  Also, she has a bunch of slaves tied up in her attic, you know, with eyes ripped out and faces torn off and such.  AHS is going for the jugular right from the start this year.  She pops a severed bulls' head on the subject of her latest rage, creating her own personal minotaur.

Thank goodness Taissa Farmiga's back, this time as Zoe.  The tie-in?  She's actually trying to lose her virginity, just like season 1, but unsuccessfully yet again.  She learns that she is from a long line of witches, and randomly gets shipped off to a witch school in New Orleans.  They lost me for a second there, but that happens on the regular with me and AHS.  

Zoe arrives at the school, which appears empty at first.  However, there are some pranksters, which includes Gabourey Sidoube (aka Precious) as Queenie, Jamie Brewer (aka Adelaide from the first season) as Nan, and Emma Roberts as shunned actress Madison Montgomery.  Sarah Paulson is back as the head of the school, Cordelia Fox.  Lily Rabe returns as Misty Day, a witch who can bring dead things back to life.

Jessica Lange returns, this time as Fiona Goode, who is trying to get some sort of stem cell treatment in order to look and feel younger. The scientist ends up giving into her, but the serum is not working fast enough for her satisfaction, so she does a bunch of coke and acts craaazzzyyyppants.  Oh yeah and also she's a witch who can flip a dude around the room, and also steal his youth.  AWESOME.  What was Jessica Lange doing before she was fucking killing it on this series?

The teenage witches are all fighting, which is especially amusing, as they're using their witch powers to do so.  Cordelia is busy mixing potions while Zoe and Madison are off to a party.  Fiona comes to check up on Cordelia, who is her daughter that she highly disapproves of.  We learn that Fiona is the "Supreme" witch, which is very important.

Evan Peters is back as Kyle Spencer, a loud and douchey frat boy who is throwing the party that Madison and Zoe are attending.  Totally in love with the fact that Kyle and Zoe have sparks between them.  She goes looking for Madison, but it's already a bit late as she's getting gangbanged and is probably drugged.  Kyle freaks out and kicks ass.  Madison uses her witch power to crash the freakin' bus.

All the little witches go on a field trip with Fiona, but he get sidetracked by a tour of Delphine LaLaurie's (Kathy Bates) house of crazy.  Marie Leveau (Angela Bassett) discovers that Delphine mutilated her lover, and gives her poison, disguised as a love potion to keep her husband loyal.  And the house has been haunted ever since!

Oh, so we learn poor Zoe's problem with having sex.  Apparently when she bangs dude, she gives them brain aneurysms and they die!  So she goes to the hospital to visit the dude who raped Madison and rapes him, effectively killing him.

Man, I'm am going to love Jessica Lange SOOOO much this season!


I'm really intrigued by this season so far, but am already worried that they are suffering the same issue of last year, by introducing eleventy-billion characters at once, which are a bit of a struggle to keep track of.  Or maybe they're just a struggle to watch and recap at the same time? ;)  Either way, this season looks like a fun one!  Anyone who is wondering, I preferred Season 1 over Season 2, so I'm definitely wondering where I'll stand on this installment!